If you don’t go to a Russell Group, then why are you at uni?

It’s a waste of your time and money

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Since the spineless Lib Dems backstabbed us all, the cost of a three year stint at most unis has gone through the roof. With maintenance loans and accommodation costs, most of us are staring down the sharp end of at least £40K worth of post graduation ballache.

Russell Group unis are worth the debt. Even if the facilities are dire, the teaching awful and the contact hours non-existent, the name you get on the top of your degree instantly makes you more employable.

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Deffo worth the cash

Of the top 20 unis targeted by the best grad recruiters, 19 were in the Russell Group. If you’re outside this select group, you may as well not have bothered. No-one’s going to respect your 2:2 from the University of Bolton, and you’ve just pissed away three years of your life and a fat stack of cash.

Most grad recruiters don’t even bother going to polys to headhunt, because unlike you, they realise your nine grand-a-year jaunt in BA Football studies is more likely to see you at the Job Centre than on Match Of The Day.

The Nottingham centre for kids who can't read good/Trent uni

The Nottingham centre for kids who can’t read good/Trent uni

Poly degrees are the educational equivalent of building a mansion on a council estate: it’ll take time and money and although you might get a nice warm feeling of satisfaction, everyone around you is going to think you’re a complete mug.

If you really feel spending £27,000 on a degree in Events Management from the University of Derby is more cost effective and beneficial to your career than three years actually planning events, then a poly is exactly where you belong.

You’ll leave with nothing but bang average grades and a piece of paper that is as useful in the real world as a Frosties swimming certificate.

You may sing “I’d rather be a poly than a cunt”, and you’d probably be right. But I’m a bloody employable cunt.