Our Uni is spending your money telling everyone you drink too much

If you’re reading this you’re probably an alcoholic

The University has decided to spend your fees on an article in the Guardian to alert parents to the dangers of your drinking habits.

A cringeworthy article, sponsored by Nottingham uni, appeared on the Guardian website earlier this week and might make parents aware of the drinking habits of their little darlings.

According to the piece in the quinoa quaffing leftie rag, with few demands from their studies, students have nothing else to do but drink.

Turncoat Cara, a second-year history student at the University of Nottingham, said: “But we continue to drink because it’s fun, it’s cheap – and to be honest if we weren’t drunk I don’t really know what else we would do.”

drunk stan

Don’t worry parents – Henry will look after your drunk kids

Second year Aakesh told The Tab: “It’s disgraceful that the uni thinks it is acceptable to spend my hard-earned government money on poorly written articles that are damaging to me and my fellow students. I will never purchase the Guardian again.”

In a desperate attempt to sound convincing, the Guardian used outdated statistics from 2010 to claim that over half of students surveyed drank at hazardous levels.

Should your parents be worrying about scenes like this?

Should your parents be worrying about scenes like this?

The patronising post also gives parents warning signs to look out for.

“If they drink every night when they come home for the holidays… If you are friends with them on Facebook, you might see photos of them acting irresponsibly or dangerously on nights out.”

According to the article, the first step for parents who are worried about their child is to talk to them. This will be informative to parents who believe the best way to handle the situation is to send their offspring straight to jail without passing go.

Cara, the History second year quoted in the piece, told the paper that uni club nights are not much fun, and that, “You pretty much have to be drunk to tolerate the clubs, even the good ones with good music.”

Not the sort of publicity the university is paying good money for. This piece comes despite the fact that the charity Drink Aware recently released stats that show no difference between students and others of the same age in levels of alcohol consumption.