Under the radar: A guide to the Facebook stalk

How to find everything you want to know, without leaving the house

Whether you have the ethics of Michel Platini or Emmanuel Kant, we all on occasion lower ourselves (sometimes frequently) to a fair amount of judging on Facebook.

So you’ve made a new mate, and he seems edgy as fuck, but you’re starting to question if it’s just a facade?

Perhaps you have an old friend who has quite frankly started being a bit shit.

Or maybe you, self-deprecating Steve, born north of the wall, breaking all laws of attraction, have bagged yourself a naughty treacle from King’s Landing, but how can you be sure she’s as good a catch as you believe?

The Tinder lookup

If the picture is of a Kilimanjaro sign coupled with a fully clad sweaty looking accomplice – then no, it’s unlikely that you can use this as an affirmation of how well you’ve done.

So swipe that smug look of your face, more reflection is required.

Screen Shot JJJ 2014-11-30 at 09.03.09

Not these kind of photos..

What we’re looking for are scantily clad photos, with lots of likes (50+ preferable). Also, one isn’t enough. The more the merrier.

these kind of photos

these kind of photos

If you find several of these sultry photos, with an overbearing amount of likes, alongside a plethora of ‘supportive’ comments from the opposite sex, then rest easy tonight, congratulations, it’s likely you have done as well as you believe.

Your vibesy new mate

After weeks of trying, you have passed a much greater task than that of University admissions – you have found yourself smoking roll ups, wearing New Balance and vintage jumpers.

wavey jumpers are a tell-tale sign

Is that vintage bro

But its a ‘wavey’ jungle out there, and to survive you must walk the walk and talk the talk.

If you catch your new mate Henry displaying a more eclectic taste, professing via statuses a deep admiration for R & B or another degenerate genre, then unfortunately no matter how delightful the pair of huaraches, snapback and lumberjack combo looks it may be time to consider the unfriend function.

You can’t risk being associated with such a mainstream sheep.

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Poor friendship performance = tough measures

Old pal gone off the radar 

Want to catch-up with an someone you vaguely knew at school, or even someone you used to be close with, but can’t be arsed to text.

Absence of tagged photos – doesn’t go out.

A profile filled with tagged photos – annoying socialite.

If the profile you’re stalking doesn’t fill either criteria, then rest-assured the profile-owner has an average propensity to both read and party.

So we took these average guys Charlie, Dan and Mark..

So we took these average guys Charlie, Dan and Mark..

To get the real details, you need to go deeper.

A great shout is to look at their basic info, if they’ve still got a joke profession such as “massive lad at Mcdonalds” or live somewhere like Holetown, chances are they’re not up to much.


But, should you fail to get all the required information from their Facebook, you could try something that only our parents would do: leave your house and talk to them.