What your seat in Hallward says about you

Are you a Plug Paradise Plastic or a Bookshelf Bum?

Just like any gathering of students, a social hierarchy forms according to where you sit – circa Janis Ian’s diagram of North Shore.

Where do you fit in?

Plug Paradise Plastics

These are the smug people: they got up earlier than you. They commodore a whole table on the ground floor by just leaving a book on there.

It’s the perfect location, equidistant to the short loan, the cafe and the toilets if you need a quick cry. Most people sat here have Macbooks so they’re clearly loaded too.  And they say you can’t have everything?

Most likely to say: You can’t sit with us!

Magical apple, GIVE ME KNOWLEDGE

Magical apple, GIVE ME KNOWLEDGE

Cafe Wannabes

Another group who woke up earlier than you.

Mostly filled with caffeine addicts that are trying to convince themselves that working in the cafe is hipster and cheapskates that buy a bottle of water so they can stay on their table all day.

Most likely to say: I’m on my third triple shot espresso of the day and I still don’t feel anything!

...just sipping on ma water.

…just sipping on ma water.

Computer Nerds


These mysterious creatures stay permanently glued to their screens.

If you abandon a PC, it will be taken in seconds.

Most likely to say: Nothing. But will be looking at ways to illegally download MatLab.

Worst nightmare

Worst nightmare

TGI Friday Booths

These shitty booths exist for people who get a kick out of hanging out in the library and like to publicise it by spreading their shit everywhere.

It’s basically the Apple office of Hellward: designed specifically so that part of the library could be photo-worthy for the prospectus.


Two world-weary boothees taking a break.

Two world-weary boothees taking a break.

The Last Resort

Nothing but sympathy for these saddos.

With no where else to go, they sit by the exit on the world’s tiniest table with a hawk-eye tracking all the people leaving, ready to cut a bitch for a recently vacated spot.

Most likely to say: Mooooove bitch, get out the way


Poised for action

Teary Toiletseats

When all’s said and done, your books have fallen off your teensy, tiny table and not even your 5th grande latte can help you…

The loos are your new best friend: at least there you’ll always have a seat and sweet sweet relief.

There’s a reason there’s two on each floor folks.

Most likely to say: Is it too late to become a stripper?


There’s no other option

The Bookshelf Bum

For these absolute sickos who think going to Hallward is like coming home. Often spotted purusing the shelves for some rare book on the philosophy of Beowulf or just quietly sobbing into some Chaucer.

The bookshelf bum generally really cares about their degree, to the extent that the books have become their only friends.

Most likely to say: They said it was PR1674. I see no PR1674. IS NOTHING SACRED?

IMG_3926 (480x640)

…ummm books.

Stairwell Socialites

A part of the Hallward ecosystem we simply can’t ignore. The gobby shits won’t let us.

Fluent in talking about sweet fuck all for ages next to stairs, this Hallward dweller is frequently overheard and hated.

It’s all shits and giggles until they start blocking the doors out of 3rd floor.

Most likely to say: No, you don’t understand, I have SO many exams.



The Sky Lounge

The Sky Lounge is serious business which we absolutely would never take the piss out of.

Sitting pretty at the top of the Hallward hierarchy, the Sky Lounge is hailed as a study heaven for the BNOCs among us.

Sky Lounge is also the hub of Hallward drama like bat sightings and fights.

Most likely to say: Bitter mutterings berating peasants on the ground floor.