Please stop posting photos of your dissertation
This isn’t OK. You are terrible people
It’s that time of year again. Dissertation photos are back. They’re a bit like dreams, everyone thinks theirs is really fascinating, but no one else ever cares.
Unfortunately, they don’t look like they’re going away. Doing something for charity, fine. Posting something worthwhile or slightly amusing, also fine. Posting a picture of several thousand words of the most banal shit that only you and a select few of your coursemates care about, is not.
If you don’t upload a picture, did you really do a dissertation? There are some people who genuinely think posting it on Facebook gets you more marks.
So, in the next step of our war on self-aggrandising, pompous hand-in pictures, we’ve put some of the most sickeningly annoying types of dissertation selfie into categories.
Before beginning, here are some heinous reminders of the standard dissertation photo in all its horror.
Top marks should be given to our Rebecca who managed to finish off her dissertation before the deadline with just two hours sleep! Not to mention a 21st birthday, a trip to Israel… it’s almost as if she didn’t know when the deadline was months in advance.
As well as these atrocities, there are a few sub-genres of the dissertation selfie:
The ‘I couldn’t resist!’ selfie
The worst part about this developing trend is that most people are fully aware that a dissertation selfie is one of the most despised things you can do.
They know exactly how annoying it is and have probably slagged someone off for it or written an overly bitter article on The Tab about it, yet they STILL FUCKING DO IT.
“Oh, I just couldn’t help myself!” Yes you could. Of course you could. It’s pretty easy, really.
All you have to do is somehow not make the concious effort to dress up, preen yourself, pose, snap, filter, crop and post an image onto at least three social media sites. Not so hard when you think about it.
— Vivianne McDuell (@ViviMcDuell) May 6, 2014
— Katie Bambury (@katie_bamburs) March 17, 2014
My dissertation has officially been uploaded! Had to join in on the dissertation handing in picture! pic.twitter.com/SxQ2PyXJjv
— Joseph (@JCRK6) May 7, 2013
The “I’ve worked so hard. My dissertation has ruined me” selfie
Of course you worked hard. It’s a massive project and it’s the most important piece of coursework you’re probably ever going to do. Everyone works hard on it and everyone looks a bit rough after spending all their waking hours slaving over it.
You’re not unique. Frankly, if you hadn’t worked hard on it, you’ve probably made a mistake.
The “I’m so happy! I just can’t believe I did it!” selfie
Congratulations. You should be happy you’ve finished it. But again, nobody cares.
Also, way to rub salt in the wounds of people who haven’t finished yet. That will make all your friends still living off RedBull in the library ever so happy, won’t it. It’s just getting selfish now.
The “I’m above dissertation selfies” selfie
These guys go out there and mock those who are doing one. Fair, but it doesn’t change the fact that you’re still doing your own.
The ironic dissertation selfie is a bit of a humble brag – you’re taking the piss out of people but still making it abundantly obvious that you have finished your coursework too. I’m onto you.
The number selfie
Thankfully not as common as the ironic-but-actually-wants-attention selfie, the ‘number selfie’ is a monstrous development of the ‘I’ve worked so hard’ variant.
Oh, you’ve worked four years for this, have you? Didn’t realise you started drafting your disser in freshers’ week. Thank god you didn’t go out – you would never have finished in time.
There are no words.
The this-University-is-actually-encouraging-it selfie
The this-is-what-fucking-happens-when-you-encourage-it-London-Met selfie
Other slightly more rare types of selfie include:
The teamwork selfie…
The kissing-the-paper selfie…
The ‘I wish it wasn’t over’ selfie…
And the naked selfie.
This article was originally published on The Tab Nottingham.