Tab Tries: Sutton Bonington

Sutton Bonington? What’s that?


Legend tells of a mysterious called place Sutton Bonington. It is rumoured to be a part of the University of Nottingham and you can see strange things called “Hopper buses” heading in that direction on a daily basis.

Ever the investigators, The Tab sent Elliott Johnson, NUCA’s answer to David Attenborough, into the wilds of South Nottinghamshire to see what was there.

Sutton Bonington, where is that?

We arrived early in the morning, coffees in hand, to wait with anticipation for the mysterious 901 Hopper Bus. It says “Sutton Bonington” on it but where it actually goes, we did not know.

What we would see, we did not know. What customs the people there would have, we did not know. What do they do for fun, we did not know. We were about to travel to a very strange land.

The mysterious 901

The bus went on for miles but after around half an hour we finally reached our strange new destination. We consulted the map and were utterly confused by this backward, strange smelling place.

Where to go next? What should we do? Should we try and find some wild animals or speak to the locals?

What is this place?

We tried to find a local guide who would have knowledge of the terrain, so first went to the student advice services to ask where we should go to get a good idea of this mysterious kingdom.

However, when we mentioned we were from The Tab they told us they did not know anything about the Campus and were just administration staff. We then tried the Sutton Bonnington Guild, the SU hut. The elected officers were equally unhelpful, and were unable to provide an answer when we asked what there was to do.

This peculiar land is a mystery even to the people who live there.

Deep in the SB jungle

Deep in the SB jungle

We carried on regardless of the lack of help from the leaders of this arcane land and came across something that interested us all very much. The brewery. Yes, Sutton Bonington has its own brewery.

We went in expecting some amazing local beverages which would rival University Park’s infamous Karni Cocktail but were surprisingly refused any samples of the drink that was being made, which was a shame. I wonder what the students there used the alcohol for, as they didn’t seem to want to drink any of it.

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Excited for a pint

After the disappointment of the brewery, we went to the greenhouses where the locals farm crops. They all seemed very busy tending to some wheat, but this was no normal field.

The wheat was divided into sections and each one had different things being done to it. The plants were also locked in, never to be let out and feel the sun’s rays. It was a cereal prison.

Save the cereal

Having heard rumours of the Sutton Bonington Black Rhino, we went to go see if there were any wild animals. Unfortunately, all we could spot were some sheep in a field far away. Where were they all?

To our sorrow, a trip to the Veterinary centre revealed the chilling answer.

Disgusting

As any true explorers would, we quizzed the Sutton Bonington population in an attempt to find out how this society functions. The first girl we asked “what do you love about Sutton Bonnington?” answered by saying “the sheep”.

She then said told us that Sutton Bonnington students “do not get out very much. Last week they had a full moon party in the Rushcliffe bar but we don’t have a lot of parties otherwise. I’m in my second year and have been to Nottingham twice.”

She had never heard of Ocean.

Lots of love for the sheep

After that we met Syafiqah, who lives on Jubilee Campus but studies on Sutton Bonnington. Syafiqah said “she finds Sutton Bonnington a very beautiful but boring campus. It’s much more fun to spend time in Nottingham city centre. They don’t ever go out here, they’re a bit dull.”

Syafiqah, who is a third year studying food science, told us she was researching into the nutrition of a top secret biscuit, but genuinely refused to tell us any more about the biscuits unless we signed the Official Secrets Act.

Having already angered the SU tribal leaders of Sutton Bonington, we didn’t press her for more information. We didn’t want to get chased by the secret service as well.

Syafiqah, who works on a top secret biscuit

Sutton Bonington certainly is a strange land. We learnt that they dislike The Tab (this article should help), they have their own brewery, they are working on top secret biscuits, and the best thing there is the sheep.

Which backwater should we send Elliott to anger next? Let us know in the comments section below.