Things uni need to shut up about

The things uni won’t stop harking on about compared to the need to know information of student life


Ever feel like your university email is constantly being bombarded with useless information?

What are these surveys even for and who the hell cares? As for what I’m doing next year: that is top classified information.

And what about those golden nuggets of info that we never seem to hear about until it’s too late?

There’s plenty our uni needs to shut up about and plenty they should start shouting about:

Things uni need to shut up about:

Student survey:

A survey so tedious they are prepared to bribe you into taking it, the notification prompting you to take the student survey is one your inbox will be oh too familiar with.

Surely all they need to know is that if you’re leaving, your uni is sure to take an absolute plummet in the rankings…

Not even the slightest bit tempted

Not even the slightest bit tempted

Careers events:

Sure, we can all agree going to university is about opening doors in the future, but for the majority of us these 3 years are about putting off thinking about it with a pint of vodka or two.

Final year panic is only natural, but when faced with these in 1st and 2nd year you can guarantee it will drive us to the bar faster than the promise of 2 for 1 jagerbombs:

Where can I bury my head in the sand a little longer?

Where can I bury my head in the sand a little longer?

Library fines:

Actually something the uni are happy to keep quiet about until it suddenly becomes a ridiculous issue you didn’t even know you had.

How much longer can we be punished for actually doing the work we’ve come to uni to do?

Nothing stings quite like a short loan

Nothing stings quite like a short loan

The ‘what are you going to do with your life’ question:

An inevitable question to be asked within your first week of starting university and one which will continue to fill you with dread right up until you graduate.

With your head still swimming in Ocean, it’ll never be a good time to answer this, but the Tab can offer some fun ideas…

How can this be expected to function in the real world?

How can this be expected to function in the real world?

So surely do a Masters?

On the surface, more education could seem like a suitable alternative to the real world, but seriously uni, stop taking even more of my money!

Even my Facebook ads are getting on to me

Even my Facebook ads are getting on to me

 

What we need to be hearing about:

Ocean sell-outs

The staple night in a Nottingham students calendar, but so often we can go unlucky.

Ocean ticket sales need to be broadcast like football scores so we’re never caught out again:

A too familiar sight

A too familiar sight

Portland treat giveaways:

That crushing moment when you friend waltzes into your seminar clutching cake, sweets or other enviable goodies and utter the words “they were giving them out for free in Portland”.

A classic case of wrong place, wrong time, we need to be informed of these glorious moments so we can get our greedy mitts on all the free shit.

Scouting for treats

Scouting for treats

Recorded lectures:

The tragedy of making it to your 9am lecture only to see that little red light and realize it’s being recorded.

Surely we deserve some prior warning, after all a well-rested student is a happy student.

I promise I turned up a few times...

The absolute dream

Library space:

There’s nothing worse than reaching the library, back-broken by a stack of books and a brick of a laptop to realize there is no desk space.

Those prime seats need to be advertised!

Of course the ideal spots are being used "productively"

Of course the ideal spots are being used “productively”