Your World War Three survival guide

Our demise is imminent what with Russia, North Korea and let’s face it probably America. Here’s how to make the best of a bad situation


As everyone knows, World War III is coming. We don’t know the ins and outs of it, but it’s probably safe to assume that the UK will be reduced to a nuclear wasteland pretty soon.

With our lack of financial power and political influence, you may think that students will be the first to suffer in this apocalypse. Think again. As ever, The Tab is here to help. These top tips will give students the upper hand when it comes to enduring the devastation and living on to create a better society full of hangovers, Ocean and Jeremy Kyle.

Build a fort

Not only will a top-class fort provide you with adequate protection from the dual threat of radiation and sword-swinging Eastern Europeans, you’ll also have a fun den where you can have sleepovers, tell stories and do each other’s hair.

Beware rogue housemates at the door

Beware confused housemates at the door

Get ripped

If Rocky IV taught us anything, it’s that literally every Russian is built like Ivan Drago, so you’re going to need to get absolutely shredded if you want to compete in this new world.

Students are also at the ideal age for conscription – you’ll want those abs in tip-top shape if you’re marching into Europe. Without giant lats and pectorals of steel, how are you going to film a sick montage of you fighting in the woods?

Intimidated? Crimea river

Intimidated? Crimea river

Withdraw all of your cash

When society has crumbled into a chaotic free-for-all, your hard-earned student loan isn’t going to be much use sitting in the bank. As Sainsbury’s on Derby Road gets ransacked by bloodthirsty locals, a good bank balance isn’t going to save your ass.

Instead, withdraw all of your cash and use it as a way of making unofficial dealings for food, water and discount CRISIS entry.

Life-savings are withdrawn

Life-savings are withdrawn

 Spend all of your cash

Alternatively, money is eventually going to become pretty useless. You can’t eat, drink or shag cash, so it’s going to lose its value faster than a Malaysian Airlines pilot-training scheme.

Spend your hard-earned dollar on baked beans, Ribena and prostitutes to ensure your position at the top of the new social hierarchy.

Or you can spend it on a load of booze and wait for this all to blow over.

beansyyyys

Protect your most valuable goods

In times of strife, you have to remember who you are. When you’re spending your days trampling over prone Lacrosse players and savage lecturers in a desperate attempt to steal the Co-op’s last box of Frubes, it will be very easy to lose sight of your true self.

In retaining your prized personal possessions, you’ll maintain your identity. Treasure them, and guard them with your life.

Guard them with your life

Inspirational reading? Check. Scurvy-preventing vitamins? Check. Misogynistic bottle-opener? Check

Get married

Everyone deserves a wedding day. If we’re all going to die, we may as well get married now. It’s never too late to have your special day and the guests won’t have long to complain about the food if a nuke is on its way.

But if that’s not for you, or you can’t find that special someone…

Love knows no boundaries

Love knows no boundaries

Go on a Tinder spree

There will never be a better time to embrace YOLO. With potentially hours to live, now is the perfect opportunity to forgo all your inhibitions and go for a full-on, unadulterated Tinder spree.

tinder

Embrace religion

Not sure about the afterlife? Decided not to think about it until you’re at least 70? Thought you were immortal?

Let’s face it: you’re probably going to die. It’s time to hedge your bets. But why limit your chances to just one religion? Jediism, Scientology, Mormonism, whatever, pay that subscription fee now. Pledge your allegiance to every cult, faith and creed under the sun and you’re guaranteed a spot next to Tom Cruise and Obi-Wan Kenobi in the afterlife.

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