How NOT to do grad job applications

Your guide to sabotaging your chance of any job offers. Ever.

As Easter approaches, you’ve probably begun to productively procrastinate from coursework by trying to snap up THE DREAM JOB…

AKA something that’s not intern/tea-bitch.

If you’re wanting to balls it all up and have an excuse to stay in education for longer or go travelling, then here’s how:

1. Combat the online tests whilst watching Come Dine With Me

Designed to exercise your antique GCSE English and Maths prowess, you are subject to unreasonably tight time constraints.

These are notorious for making you feel like a dick.

Chances are you’re probably going to fuck at least one of them up so try to write a decent cover letter/ CV to salvage your application…

Well this is embarrassing.

Well this is embarrassing.

2. Treat other assessment centre participants like shit

But it’s just soooo tempting to make yourself look good by drawing attention to others’ incompetence…

Even though you have a degree, grad jobs are essentially about having a decent telephone manner – so if they suspect you’re going to go ‘Planet of the Apes’ on a client they’re probably not going to hire you.

Make 'em cry, for added bonus points.

Make ’em cry, for added bonus points.

3. Be domineering and inflexible in your teamworking approach

Destroy them with your crazy brain-smarts but be sure to let that terrified looking rat in the corner in on the convo.

Carefully avoid verbally punching the rest of them in the face and try to control the reflexive smirk that appears whenever someone says, ‘Ummmm…’

Here at Grad Jobs, we’re better than you, AND WE KNOW IT.

"Hi, I'm a tool"

“Hi, I’m a tool”

4. Be late

“The traffic was bad” and “The dog ate my Oyster card” are unacceptable lest you were hit by said traffic or bitten by said (rabid) dog.

Go on now go. Walk out the door.

Go on now go. Walk out the door.

5. Strut into the interview like you own the place

Now that you’ve made it past the online tests and they want to meet your devilishly charming personality, they’ve pretty much validated the fact that you’re, by definition, the shit.

But remember… when that teacher said, ‘You’re also interviewing them to see whether YOU want the job there” – they were LYING LYING LYING.

You are these peoples’ bitch in the assessment stage; the doormat in the interview, and you will be their human day-planner for at least the first year of your entry level job.

Come at me.

Come at me.

6. Use laddish banter as an ice-breaker

Banter is likely to go down nearly as badly as yelling bigoted obscenities at the top of your voice.

Volume control is important too.

Despite the temptation to hide your nerves with a strong, confident word explosion, try to keep it below a dull roar…

"I work hard, play hard."

“I work hard, play hard.”

7. Be another personality-less clone with no obvious charisma

When you’re fighting back answering “Any hole” to “What are your goals?” in favour of a well-rehearsed soliloquy that you borrowed from The Student Room, it’s not hard to lose all originality.

Have mercy on your interviewer and give the occasional hint that you’re actually a fucking legend.

Interviewers just wanna have fun.

Interviewers just wanna have fun.

8. Know as little as possible about the company because you’re brilliant at ‘winging it’

No. Don’t do this.

And for god sake remember the name of your interviewer so you can thank them by name when the horrendous procedure is over.

First impressions are everything.

9. Leave the interview with a curt “Smell ya later”

Too soon, guys and gals.

“Thank you for your time” will suffice at this stage.

"And that's the last we'll be seeing of him."

“And that’s the last we’ll be seeing of him.”

Congratulations! If you take these 9 steps, you are guaranteed to have landed yourself a permanent blacklisting for the grad job of your dreams!

Want a CV boost before that Grad interview? Not keen on jobs but fancy causing some trouble? JOIN THE TAB! Email [email protected]