Things you’ll only understand if you’re writing coursework

This is the first essay of the semester. You’re fresh. A first is definitely in the bag.


In the space of a few short weeks of examlessness bliss, you have lost all ability to form a coherent sentence let alone a fully formed essay….

…Or three because the bastards are all due at the same time…

1. Your motivation to write this badboy can be summed up in 80’s classics… from initial determination:

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=btPJPFnesV4[/youtube]

 

2. To grim resignation:

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rY0WxgSXdEE[/youtube]

 

3. Finding the heaven-sent secondary reading that is perfect for your essay question on the library catalogue roughly translates into NEVER EVER FINDING A COPY IN REAL LIFE.

WHERE ARE YOU FIEND?

WHERE ARE YOU FIEND?

4. You feel like an essay god when you actually use the short loan in Hallward.

IMG_3572 (478x640)

3. Rediscovering JSTOR in your darkest hour leads to momentary empowerment.

IMG_3580 (478x640)

4. However after scrolling through countless (maybe 3) articles you develop a personal vendetta against all incomprehensible theorists/ scholars/ critics:

Can't...go...on.

Can’t…go…on.

5. Midway through some of this happens:

Pets in furniture is important

Heh. Heh. Funny pets in furniture.

I know how you feel mate

I know how you feel mate.

6. And some of this:

Must. Not. Distract. Others.By. Drawing.Penises.

Must. Not. Distract. Others.By. Drawing.Penises. On. Their. Work.

7. Positive reinforcement is necessary.

Three's a charm

A paragraph = the best kind of break

8. Bit by bit bullshitting is beginning to come naturally. Time to pad out with some very well placed flowery filler words and a meaty quote.

ESSAY

9. “Hey, some of this might actually even make sense! Quick, I better update my Snapchat story”

IMG_3550 (427x640)

10. Also better throw some intellectual synonyms in there

'Keats utilizes the phraseology'. Yeah, that sounds pretty smart.

‘Keats utilizes the phraseology’. Yeah, that sounds pretty smart.

11. As if you weren’t feeling smug enough, using the word “thus” must improve your essay by at least 5 marks.

Philosophical chin stroking also means I will get a first.

Philosophical chin stroking also means I will get a first.

12. Finishing your essay feels something like this:

YEAAAS.

YEAAAS.

13. Until you remember referencing is a bitch.

referencing

14. Turnitin holds all the cards to your future and if this isn’t in your inbox you’re fucked:

TURN

 

15. “Phew at least that’s over…. did I proofread it? Oh, it’ll be fine”

Proofread. Especially if your housemates have no boundaries.

Proofread. Especially if your housemates have no boundaries.