The academic equivalent of a rabbit in the head lights, seminars are unavoidable – especially if you study a humanities subject.

On top of everything else, seminar prep (pfft) was something you forgot about along with your dignity in Ocean during first year.

Now you know better, but the art of bullshitting is getting harder and harder to pull off.

Here are some tips to help you successfully blag that seminar that will take under five minutes preparation.

1. “Read” the book.

This is the oldest trick in the module reader. Don’t actually read the book, but give your copy of it a real good beating.

Bend back the spine so it looks all wrinkled, drop it in the the bath, dog ear the pages.

This book has clearly been your life for the past two weeks, isn’t it obvious? Better yet, get a second-hand copy of the book so someone else has done the hard work for you.

2.  Answer a question with a question?

Try not to shit a brick when you realise your tutor has pointed his suede-jacketed finger at you. He’s probably noticed your beloved copy of…uhhh what was it called again…?

You weren’t listening until this point but now you’re in the hot seat.

Instead of panicking, turn that baby around and point your dirty fingernails at him.

Choice template questions include:

I found my reading of the text to be influenced by today’s modern society, don’t you agree?

That’s a really interesting question, can you explain your point further?

Interesting idea, but if you were going to cancel a Varsity event which SU presidential candidate would you vote for? – YOU HAVE BEEN BAMBOOZLED

Don’t ask: What page are we on? Will this be in the exam? Who am I?

3. Invest in an gadget.

Yep you all know that person in seminars that brings along their iPad/Kindle Fire/Macbook/microwave.

There’s a reason: professors fear all things modern so forget avoiding eye contact, they’ll do it for you.

Your shiny gadget will act as a supreme forcefield between the tutors prying eyes and your epic knowledge (or lack thereof).

You might even get away with playing Spashy Fish (Flappy’s dick cousin).

4. Get some sexy stationary

Ok so this won’t really add to your intelligence –  short of ACTUALLY preparing for the seminar, nothing will…

BUT a happy student has happy stationary.

God Bless Paperchase.

5. Go with the general feel of the room.

NEVER disagree with someone’s point. Just nod along.

If you even slightly frown at your fellow classmate’s bullshit, your professor will notice and you will have to produce your own bullshit.

Poker face it up Lady Gaga style, friends.

6. Wear something slightly edgy.

For some reason, people that look effortlessly cool in seminars instantly have bullshit validation.

If you said that thing about Marxist theory in a  Jack Wills hoody no one will believe you.

Say it in a Snapback, you are a God.

7. Mention something else equally intelligent

You have a high IQ, you got into this university after all so you do know SOMETHING.

Ha ha. Juss kiddin.

Hit up UberFacts on your shiny shiny tablet and drop an knowledge bomb the size of a jumbo jet.

And all of the sudden, you’re queen of the seminar.

Good names to drop: Homer, Plato, and if in doubt go Greek.

8. Quote the seminar prep back to the professor

Moodle is your friend.

Chances are your seminar tutor put a brief  paragraph about what he wants to be said in the seminar. Paraphrase that bitch.

He won’t remember what you said and you get a gold star. Well done you little genius.

9. Lean back in your chair when you’re making a point

You’re so at ease with your knowledge that you barely need to concentrate when making a point.

Even if your point is bad, tilt dangerously far backward to distract the poor tutor as you talk about nothing for two minutes.

The sudden jerk-backwards-I-ALMOST-DIED face is always a winner.

10. Wear your glasses

If you don’t own any, lie to your optician and pretend you can’t read anything.

If that feels like too much effort, buy them from Claire’s.  They have a number of ‘edgy’ options available.

Glasses equal intelligence cred. Combine with points 8 and 5 and you are golden.

11. Shift the focus

If you’re asked a question and literally have no idea, jump ship.

Ideally the person you’re sitting next to needs to be a stranger so you can run away from them afterwards and never speak again.

Scenario: 

Tutor: Louisa, did you find the exploration of humanitarianism in this text enlightening?

Louisa: That’s so weird, Becky was JUST saying how she found the humanitarianism bits enlightening, weren’t you Becky?

Becky: FUCK.

 

You’re welcome, my blag-worthy  friends.