A lesson in 34 etiquette

Every day, Notts students board this orange wonder in which friendships are maintained, 9am hopes shattered and awkward exchanges not quite avoided.

Such a prolific mode of transport deserves its own article.

Here are the rules to having the journey of your dreams on Notts’ most-loved dinky city looper.

1. Don’t be disheartened by this sight, hang in there bud:

2. Do clutch your pound coin/ bus pass to your bosom as if it were a new born child.

A lost ID: tragedy

3. Accept with grace that this patch of red is actually lava, and that you will not be granted entry if you have to stand on it:

4. Do not anger the bus pass machine, you will be shunned by your peers.

5. Politely avoid conversation with someone you sort-of-know. DO NOT ENGAGE TARGET. ABORT, ABORT.

Errr so how’s uni?

6. If you fall into someone’s lap, don’t just sit there for a bit in the hope they haven’t noticed. They have.

This is not how you make friends to sit on the back seat with.

7. Pole dancing is for some reason is frowned upon – ignore da haterz.

The Tab loves pole dancing

8. Moving down the bus is really important.

Pointless anarchy of today’s youth.

9. Participate in the sombre moment of silence for the students at the next bus stop which the 34 so callously zooms past.

Grimaces and head bows: respect for the still cold and probably late

10. NEVER assume that no one you know will be on the bus when you recount that Ocean story.

Speak of the devil

11.  Taking up more than one seat is a crime akin to high treason.

Do not be a hoodlum

12. …a kip is probably out of the question

13….as is posing like a French girl.

14. The 4 seat formation at the back is for people who have friends.

Journos are great at making friends.

15. Offer a colloquial form of ‘thank you’ to the bus driver each time you depart.  But don’t panic and salute or something. Or do this:

This bus driver does not approve. That’s because saying ‘you da man’ is not ok. Ever.