The Nottingham Rumpologist

Nottingham’s specialist Rumpologist is back, and she’s got some party pants to deal with

Dear Bryony, 

 My housemates have been severely stressed over exams for the last month and a half. I was hoping that now the whole debacle has finished they’d go back to skipping lectures and hanging in the house drinking and what not. Their amended boring lifestyles are cramping my perky personality, please help.

P.S. I hope you like my party pants. 


Dear Reader,

My initial feeling towards this is that you are obviously a huge asset to your house and you shouldn’t underestimate your ability to cheer your friends up with your cheeky charm. Perhaps you are the key to lifting the grumpy mood of the house into more of a free spirited state like your own.

The dramatic arc of your nethermost region would suggest that you should not rely on those close to you to provide 24/7 entertainment. It’s about time you engaged with an outer circle of acquaintances to match your asspirations in terms of  social life. Don’t bum around, take the opportunity to  be productive and gather more exciting tails to add to your BNOC autobiography.


Your supporting indentations complement the theatrical incline of your tushy mountain, which would suggest to me that you are dependent on your jokey “lad” act to attract fellow peers. But be careful, because this is not always appreciated. Behind the velvet curtain, those close to you would occasionally prefer to see a more caring side.

Instead of interpreting your friends saggy attitudes as an insult to your preferred and more lax way of life, you should try turning the other cheek and offer them an ear to vent to.

Alternatively, you could organize a lads night at Hooters where you can soften their egos with a layer of unlimited chicken wings, or you could don the party pants, let off some steam off with your mates at Crisis on a Wednesday and get social at the bar. Sounds like a cushty plan that will surely match your large appetite for a wild time.

Unlimited chicken wings are always the way forward

Hooters-3 Unlimited chicken wings are always the way forward

Your preferred choice of briefs affirms that you are a boozy student who clearly enjoys the attention of peers. In order to eradicate any unwanted tension in the house for you and your heinie, directly speak to your friends and attempt to configure a plan to ignite their nostalgia for the old days… before they realized they were failing their degrees.


PS. Consider keeping your party pants a secret.