So it’s getting to that beautiful time of year where we are either celebrating our relationship or happily single (well…)

This comes with a little self-reflection on either a) how to be a better partner or b) how to improve your wonderful single self either just because or for prospective hotties.

Turn offs:

Living in Beeston.

Is your affinity for charity shops/ the elderly overwhelming? Should I call a professional in?

Long nails on men.

Universally unacceptable.

TWO MINUTES TO CUT THEM THAT IS A TINY TASK TO HAVE GIRLS NOT PHYSICALLY REPULSED.

Being a post-grad.

We share things, I think we’re having a moment and then you’re all ‘post-grad’ on my ass.

Are you a student? Are you my tutor? Where’s the line here? (i.e can we snog or?)

Not having a ‘thing’

E.g. a sport or activity that just gives you so much more ‘depth’ and ‘understanding of the important things’.

Come on, where’s your gap year?

Apparently not coming from the Home Counties or somewhere abroad.

Where will you get an intahnship?

Coming to uni with face paint/ Crisis stamps on ya nog/

Wafts of shame and alcohol are following you and repelling everyone. Just. Bed.

Things that should be a turn-off but aren’t:

Beards. Beards. Beards.

Yes, they are a facial sponge essentially but somehow. Somehow.

Being a LAD.

Fucking awful term, overused beyond contemplation but they are still hot incredibly.

Really peppy people.

They should be annoying but mostly they are just good company. You sort of experience a conversation rather than participate in one.

Fake tan, where used well.

Do you smell of cornflakes? A little. Do you get laid? Also a little.

 Bonus Brownie points for:

Happy people.

The whole Buddha/ candle malarky of one candle lighting thousands.

Self-confidence.

Looks can only get you so far, personality can render a poor ugly sod rather attractive.

Being out-going.

Get-up-and-go attitude is very valued in the laziest generation known to mankind.

Being well-read.

This might be a personal bias but its my article so let me exercise my Napoleon complex. Reading books is hot right.

Dressing well.

Class is FREE OF CHARGE YOU LITERALLY DON’T HAVE TO PAY A PENNY MORE JUST TO CHOOSE THE RIGHT CLOTHES OMG.