The new term begins! Fresh from exams you’re pumped and ready to be the brilliant, 1st class student you know is lurking somewhere.  

It’s time to wave the mishaps of last term goodbye with a right and ready list of resolution’s, and this time you WILL KEEP THEM GODDAMNIT!

Right? Wrong.

Time to take a look at New Term Resolutions that are doomed for failure!

 1. You’ll be the best housemate that’s ever lived

That’s right, exams are over, and it’s finally time to wash up that cereal bowl. Oh and the lasagne dish. No more pinching chocolate, cheese, fillet steak… You’ll make them tea.

The house will be perfumed with the smell of your freshly baked goods. You’ll finally tackle the stain of god knows what lurking in the corner of the shower.

Wait really? So why after 3 weeks does our kitchen still look like this?

2. You will spend your student loan wisely and responsibly

You will resist the temptation of letting that loan burn a hole in your pocket. Books are obviously a priority, as well as gym membership, healthy food and overpriced fruit juice.

Then there’s those Starbucks’ to fill the gaps between lectures. And a new dress for so and so’s 21^st. And the Easter ski trip.

Parklife tickets count as necessities right?

3. You will do all the required reading

So in school we all quickly learned that ‘do the required reading’ meant no homework. Apparently that is not the case at university.

No longer will you sit in seminars praying not to be picked on for an opinion; doing that reading means you’ll be able to pull off some seriously educated bullshitting.

Remember: the library is for working, not just discounted Starbucks.

You need to finish the last series of Breaking Bad before you can get round to it though…

4. You’ll join new and exciting societies

That’s right, it’s time you got an interesting fact about yourself to make those future employers weak at the knees.

From language societies to dance societies – oh look horse racing?

…wait, you’ll probably need a horse for that…

… and I guess sky-diving soc actually commits you to jumping out of a plane.

Maybe next year.

5. You will start making the most of that gym membership

When you’re revising, the gym appeals like never before as the ultimate way to get out of the house.

So why is it when you suddenly have time to yourself again that it becomes so damn hard to make yourself go?

Gotta work off those celebratory Domino’s somehow – yes, two for Tuesday WAS meant for sharing. 

6.You’ll become the life and soul of the party

So you might still be reeling from the embarrassment of some of last terms Oceans, but NO MORE!

You are an adult (technically) and its time to embrace your inner party animal without hurting your dignity too much. Gone are the nights of coming home before 12 to be sick then passing out next to your chicken wings.

Your dance moves will be choreographed and skillfully executed, you won’t fall down stairs or struggle to explain certain bruises come the morning.

It could happen!!

7. You will eschew all forms of pointless procrastination

C’mon now deep down you know you’re above all this.

You’re a sassy, sophisticated student who will invest their time wisely in world domination, not Flappy Birds.

CAREFUL – AVOID THE BED. Don’t even sit on it after that lecture.

Procrastinapping is a very real issue and until a vital cure is found, it’s desk time only.