Essential questions for potential housemates

Housemate hunting is almost as important as house hunting.


Co-habitation is not something to be taken lightly.

Whether you’re about to flee the safe haven of halls or trying to replace a housemate who has rudely decided to move out (stupid  year abroad), care must be taken to avoid weirdos.

Remember, you’re going to have to live with this person for an entire year.

Here are a few questions you can ask prospective housemates to weed out the sociopaths:

1. Are you on the sex offenders register?

Since that guy from Bag O’ Nails got arrested you just can’t be too careful.

bag o nails

We wouldn’t like to bag him as a housemate

2.  What are you most likely to dress as on Halloween?

Acceptable answers: A witty political reference (although it’s probably best not to opt for the Twin Towers), lingerie and animal ears a la mean girls, Miley Cyrus, a sanitary towel, etc.

Unacceptable answers: ‘I don’t really do dressing up’ – Wtf did you come to Uni for?!?! AND  ‘I think blacking up is hilarious’- No, you’re just a prat.

Everyone loves a gravy pun

It’s all gravy

3. What do you like to do at midnight on the night of a full moon?

If they answer sleep/ go clubbing/study you’re fine.

If they off-handedly reply ‘sacrifice chickens and dance naked around a bonfire’ get out.

Unless you’re into that sort of thing, bitch I don’t know your life.

If this is a regular look for them, alarm bells should be going off...

If this is a regular look for them, alarm bells should be going off…

4. Can you tell the difference between you’re and your?

If your passive-aggressive notes are not written in correct English then no I won’t remove that mouldy chicken from the fridge.

YOU’RE not invited to be my house mate.

your

You’re having a laugh…

5. Complete the sentence: sex should be…

a) seen and not heard

b) heard and not seen

c) all of the above

d) saved for marriage

sex

Personally I believe that sex is most fun when everyone gets involved and is a great house mate bonding activity. But HEY, don’t let me tell you how to live your life.

6. Do you have a cat?

Closely followed by, ‘Is your cat actually a dog? No? GET OUT!!!’

Remember, cats eat human souls.

'Bring me my cat nip, human'

‘Bring me my cat nip, human’

7. When was the last time you showered?

If they can’t remember, that’s a big red flag.

shower

What is this?

8. At what time of year are shorts and flip flops appropriate?

People who wear shorts and flip flops in mid-winter are the worst kind of people.

You do not want to live with them.

It's january. Stop it.

It’s january. Stop it.

9. On average how often do you chunder on a night out?

 Answer 1: Never. – What are you drinking, water? No bedroom for you.

Answer 2: I have an iron stomach, so only when I drink rum. – You sir are a catch, we’ll avoid the Malibu and bond over wine.

Answer 3: Mate, every time I go out. – This screams carpet stains and housemate arguments. ABORT MISSION, ABORT!

Susie's got to go...
Susie’s got to go…

10.  How do you feel about public nudity?

Again, this is a matter of personal taste but it’s a conversation that needs to be had.

Some of us like to display our bodies the way God intended and some people get weirdly uncomfortable around boobs.

Jussayin’, if you can’t play strip poker in the comfort of your own home, what’s even the point in learning poker.

This is not what I meant when I said 'get the breasts out for dinner'.

This is not what I meant when I said ‘get the breasts out for dinner’