Finding pootopia: The best places to poo on campus

We’ve all been there. Don’t even try to deny it. You’ve got a full day of lectures and a lot of time to kill. You’ve been mentally preparing for your trip to the toilet for hours, and the time has finally come.

So where do you go when you need to go? Where do you stop when you need to drop? Where do you sit when you need to shit? Don’t worry, The Tab is here to guide you through it all.

The Helmsley: The Elegant and Potentially Forbidden Poo

Tucked away behind the rear of Hallward, students rarely set foot in the mystical Helmsley. Plopped right in the middle of campus, it is the perfect place for a cheeky inter-lecture bomb drop, and its tranquil setting ensures you won’t be distracted whilst unloading last night’s dinner.

Oooooh that décor really shits the spot

Other poositives include its luxury décor and admirable upholstery, but most special of all is the deluxe post-poo recovery zone, including leather sofas and mahogany coffee tables.

Sofa so good

All in all, The Helmsley is a fine instipootion and can consider itself unlucky to be squeezed out of the running  to be crowned Nottingham’s Pootopia.

Humanities: The Standard Poo

The bastion of mediocrity, Humanities is a steady, reliable place to lighten your load. Always clean and poossessing an excellent hand-dryer, you will never regret choosing the Humanities’ toilets to get your business dung and dusted.

You’re not gonna get a bum deal here

What sets it apart, I hear you arsek? Well, those with busy thumbs will be delighted to know that Humanities provides excellent WiFi signal and its isolated location at the back-end of campus means it is ideally suited for stranded students in need.

As remote as Timbukpoo

The Orchard Hotel: The Musical and Somewhat Expensive Poo

Classier students (Cripps) should look no further than the Orchard Hotel. The privilege to use these cracking toilets should set you back a cool £75 per night, but – with enough subtlety – you should be able to slip in before you slip one out.

JUST LOOK AT THAT POSH HANDWASH

Worried about last night’s 2am kebab? The superb lighting system ensures you will never have a simpler post-poo inspection. This place is so elegant that it genuinely plays Frank Sinatra through the in-built speakers above you.

Fly Me To The Loo

Trent Senate Chamber: Pootopia?

The pinnacle. The big daddy. The poups de grâce of UoN toilets. Found deep in the Trent Senate Chamber of Secrets, many students have been unable to discover this mythical pootopia.

The Dyson Nimbus Poo-Thousand

Alongside the customary high-class hand-dryer and eclectic soap selection, you can also find fresh towels and a floor clean enough to eat food off.

Wow! Look at that walk-in bidet!

However, it’s not all punshine and rainbows. As your noble Tab team soon found out, amongst these various poo paradises are some real stinkers…

Clive Granger: The Grim Poo

Considering the high volume of Geography students that study here, the Clive Granger’s toilets’ lack of colour is pretty ironic. Depressing, distressing and downright dirty, Clive Granger is the last place you’d want to dump your junk.

Call that a urinal? Man, u’re surely joking

Quite simply the biggest tragedy since Romeo & Pooliet, The Tab recommends you steer well clear of this shithole.

Specrapularly bad

Coates Building: The Soul-Destroying Poo

It takes a brave pooer to venture into Coates. This dank, pootrid excuse for a restroom is every desperate student’s worst nightmare.

If this is an air-conditioner, it sure as hell does NOT work

With its claustrophobia-inducing walls, grimey windows and slippery floor, it’s so bad, you have to seat to believe it.

At least the toilet seat’s down

Happy pooing everyone. Romeo dung.