No Zucker for Facebook

Life without Facebook and the road to freedom.


The Decision

One day, in a fit of rebellion entirely lacking calculation, I deleted my Facebook account.

It seems safe to assume that Miley Cyrus considers her next career move more pensively. But, unlike Miley Cyrus’ career moves, this one is not regrettable. And I kept my clothes on.

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Within a week I was awash with texts and tweets. The disappearance of my online presence had caused many to worry for my safety.

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Life on the Outside

But the road to exception, and freedom, is a hard one. You’re conditioned and institutionalised. The pressure to return to the world of blue is unrelenting and friends, colleagues and even employees consistently chastise, punish and exclude you for your dissent.

Missing parties, BBQs, birthdays and various other events is an accepted punishment for your pointless act of rebellion.

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Numerous awkward conversations become inevitable. Assumed public knowledge you do not have access to becomes your adversary in the fields of social warfare.

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Establishing the fact that apparently phone numbers haven’t been fashionable since Britney Spears, is an awkward and demoralising process. Now I ring people. They’re surprised and I’m in love with answer-phones again.

Some friends and family have shied away from open berating. Some, have reached out. In fact, one friend turned to me and asked,”Would you like to use mine? I don’t mind”. The sentiment was kind, but the logic highly faulted.

Coming clean.

Such kindness was not shown to me by an exotic dancer (the reason for my presence in such a disreputable establishment is of little relevance but can be explained efficiently: tequila).

Upon asking me if I could publish photos and promote their organisation on Facebook, and receiving what she believed to be a dishonest response, she started screaming; “If you don’t like what we do, then you’ve no need to lie! Of course you have Facebook, everyone does! I’m just trying to keep fit and look after my kid and I’ve got you judging me?!”

There’s nothing more dispiriting than an angry pole dance. Take it from me.

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And the Peep Show.

Despite the tribulations, freedom tastes sweeter every day and now I just tell Twitter about my hangover. As I said, totally free.