How to Spice Up Your Sex Life

Dear Aunty Em,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a while now, but our sex life has got into a bit of a routine and it’s just not as fun as it used to be. There’s nothing exciting about it and it’s turned into something we just do and don’t really enjoy. Any suggestions?

Dear up-for-it reader,

It’s the time of the year where frankly everyone just gets a bit bored. Essays, dissertations and exams – procrastination is something we’re all familiar with. But for many of us, it’s not just Facebook, it’s sex.

But what makes this worth the time and energy when we’ve still got 3000 words to write? Here’s my tips on how to add a bit of variety…

ROLEPLAY

Too many? I think not.

This is for the masses. Even the quiet ones might secretly love it.

There’s plenty of options; the Pilot, the Nurse, the Maid, even Alice in Wonderland. If you’ve yet to acquire any of this attire – Ann Summers have always got a sale on. You can currently pick up a 50s Sailor Outfit for £15. Sort your life out!

But beware, the ‘Cock Pit’ pants that come with the Pilot outfit aren’t for the humble… As for the lingo, prepare yourself for some serious cheese and ‘get ready for takeoff’ because someone just ‘ordered room service’.

THE SHOWER

Slippin’ and slidin’

Not the most practical of places for a bit of action, but worth a try.

Would not recommend this one if you’ve just got a shower curtain though – it lacks stability. But great for the romantic side of life especially if you’re going to bother with the bubble bath, candles etc.

If you’re on the bigger side though, be warned, there’s only so much room for movement…

BONDAGE

Well officer…

Chains and whips excite me…as do paddles. Some of us like to have our men under the thumb, but this is not always the case in the bedroom.

There are variations on how far you take this; strangling is not for the faint-hearted. Then there’s nipple clamps, you can even get vibrating ones – the rabbit is soooo last year! Forget the deep throating, bondage is all about the gagging!

If you’re really stuck for ideas, tell me you’ve heard of Mr Gray!

ANAL

Be prepared

This isn’t my area of expertise, but I have some reliable sources.

Butt plugs. Make sure you’ve visited the little girls room first and your lube supply has been replenished. This is also ideal for the time of month when other orifices aren’t so available. But apparentlyyyyy, you must work up to this. Don’t expect to get naked and just shove it in. Maybe have sex before hand, but do not return to sex after anal, I repeat, do not!

So if you want to release a bit of tension, you know what to do. But don’t forget foreplay and make sure it’s not just one way – sharing is caring! If you really haven’t the time, you’re in Hallward – may as well make the most of your lunch break or an all nighter.

PS. Special thanks goes to my housemates for their contributions to this article…