How not to do: Revision

If you want exam success, this is not how it is achieved….

In some strange, existential experience I watched my own mental condition deteriorate as a revision-induced meltdown ensued.

For your sake I have documented that experience, signposted for your own convenience and ease so you may swerve from the bumpy track of Prozac and ‘mutual supportive group sessions’ and arrive safely at destination 2:1.

Avoid ‘Googling’ celebrities’ weight gain.

One manner of assuring myself that the seemingly perpetual suffering of exams could be worse was to offer myself a visual reminder that Lady Gaga has gone and had one too many Twirls.

But be warned; this is a calorie-lubricated slippery slope. Before you know it you’ve clicked on every bikini thumbnail on the Daily Mail.There is nothing less comforting than the realisation that exams are impending and you’ve idled away four hours on Christina Aguilera’s chops.

I'll save you the trouble, okay?

I’ll save you the trouble, okay?

Stop SnapChatting. Stop it.

Inundating my peers with earth-shattering news of my date-to-day activities of living, breathing, eating and whatnot was more tempting than James Bond in speedos.

But alas, before I knew it I’d created a Vincent van Gogh-inspired visual portrayal of my own dissent into a Cimmerian era of madness as the clutches of sleep-starved exam-panic enveloped.

This isn’t Embarrassing Bodies. Your friends don’t need to see the condition win.

snapchat 1snapchat 3

Know your caffeine limits

My failure to do so bought me crashing down like the Roman Empire on the other side of that sweet-tasting high.

If you’ve got ‘post-Crisis hand shakes’ and it’s only 2pm then it’s time to take a rain check on that balanced diet of Kick and more Kick.

Remaining sleep deprived for long periods of time left me with an over-stimulated muscle beneath my right eye, watching shadows ‘in case they tried anything’ and more importantly, totally unable to concentrate on The Jeremy Kyle Show.

Oh, and revise.

Throwing close-to-weightless objects

More loaded than Charlie Sheen due to copious amounts of black coffee and EU Regulated E-numbers, I found myself demonstrating my frustration (and impressive strength) against the will of gravity.

Launching pens at immovable objects more enthusiastically than an American may seem an effective manner in which to expend tension but – contrary to my original assumptions – it is also entirely inimical, leaving you with no pens and housemates who won’t make eye contact or sudden movements for fear it may invoke a violent reaction.

On the plus side, I know I’m very powerful (in comparison to a biro)

On the plus side, I know I’m very powerful (in comparison to a biro)

Conversing with those surviving inanimate objects

A distinct lack of human contact, leaving me just shy of a Mowgli Syndrome sufferer, hurried my progress into delirium. Before I know it, I’d conversed at length with my printer.

One frank and open discussion on the double dip recession and the stabilising role of secondary industry later and I had to turn she/he off for fear of further distraction.

If you find yourself sharing just a cursory word with a roll of Sellotape, heed my advice and seek human contact immediately.

You raise a valid point. I’ll let George Osborne know; tweet him, or something...

You raise a valid point. I’ll let George Osborne know; tweet him, or something…

Listening to opera in the street

My journey down the declivity of insanity was complete when I found myself conducting an innocent passersby to Pavarotti’s booming presence, his voice heralding the climactic finish to a convoluted passage to madness.

Revision had me in its icy clutches; aided by the Mephistopheles in my ear; procrastination and the elixir of lunacy; caffeine, it had transformed me into someone with the capacity to scare children. Take heed, avoid my errors with fervour and don’t let revision get the better of you.




Illegitimi non carborundum – don’t let the bastards grind you down!