Grad Ball: Oi you, are you gunna bang?

The biggest night of the year is coming. How will you end it?


So after a bit of a technical nightmare (shocker Notts, real shocker), you’ve finally got your Grad Ball tickets.

But now for the important bits: the dress, the date, the sex…

Dear Aunty Em,

I’ve a bit of a dilemma. I don’t have a boyfriend, but I am seeing this guy. But I don’t know whether to bring him to Grad Ball or not. I don’t want the hassle of having to spend time with him there, having to go for a meal with him before hand, rather than just with the girls. I want a bit of independence. But then again, what about the afters?

Dear frustrated reader,

It sounds like you’re single and ready to mingle. But this is brilliant! Grad Ball plays host to many desperate final years who are panicking that their uni life is about to end. So what goes through their mind – well, make the most of it and what does this lead to, well, sex!

Unless you’ll take whatever stumbles your way, I’m sure you’ve had many failed attempts when taking a dip in the Ocean. Grad Ball however, is a time for not only the virgins who are dying to lose it before uni is up, but also for the absolute sex maniacs, not to mention the Hallward hermits who could really do with a release.

I wonder if silent study has any repressed young ladies tonight...

I wonder if silent study has any repressed young ladies tonight…

So now you’ve got the issue of what to wear. Do you wear that clingy number with the granny pants/spanx or do you focus more on the matching set or even nothing at all? Or maybe just forget that, who says the nurse outfit, the maid, the pilot can’t come out.Yes, it might be saying, ‘I’m easy, come get me’, but who the hell isn’t easy so near the end of term.

But be warned, when considering your outfit, think of the heels – compulsory for Grad Ball, but if you’re a girl who is let’s say, over 5ft5, you don’t want them too high because you’ll end up cutting out a lot of your potential candidates for your late-evening/early-morning entertainment, not to mention that you’ll end up taking them off anyway.

So the essentials – condoms/app booked at Cripps, (I know what you’re all like), concealer just so you don’t look like something out of a horror film before the photos have been taken, plasters for when you fall over in the heels (it will happen, no matter what the height) and reader, in your case, no man.

Ladies, if you’ve a boyfriend, yeah, bring him along as long as he’s got his own mates, if you’re seeing someone, forget it! You can always meet them later on, like when you want your cheesy chips bought.

It happens to the best of us

I wonder if they’ll notice if I go for that chocolate bar someone’s left on the floor…

Summer’s coming, as is a job, now is not the time to be starting something new. ‘Get numbas, but are you gunna bang doe?’ Make it a yes.

You know you want to