Nottingham Uni’s the place to be, if you don’t want an STD

In a beating that Christian Grey himself would be proud of, Nottingham Uni has spanked the competition to be rated first in the Russell Group for sexual health.

A new report by the online medical advice website Dr. Ed, has rated the University of Nottingham’s sexual health services a resounding First.

Nottingham shone across the board, seeing off prestigious institutions like Oxbridge to claim the prize; challenging the popular view that these are the smartest unis in the group.

After all are you really still going to be proud of your Oxford education when you have Chlamydia and all your friends are pregnant?

However, even Oxford with a 2:2, looks squeaky clean when compared to Durham, Cardiff or Manchester, all of whom failed to pass the course.

Needless to say, when entertaining guests from these supposedly prestigious institutions, The Tab recommends a rigid period of quarantine and full cleansing of your entire accommodation before taking them out to sow their diseased oats in the sticky, sticky field that is Ocean.

Website founder Amit Khutti has indicated plans to expand this system of ranking to cover all UK higher education.

When Dr.Ed eventually gets round to surveying Trent, there is a huge potential for an addition to the already hugely popular varsity series, and even greater potential for Trent to lose at yet another event.

So when you were out last night at Forum, or if you were that little big edgy, at Gold Teeth; relax and remember that no matter the outcome of your Valentine’s fling, Nottingham has your back. Nothing screams romance quite like a post-Valentine’s date to Cripps Health Centre.