How To Lose A Girl In Five Gifts

Valentines Day, a day designed to pressure boys in particular to perform – in more ways than one.

Chocolate, wine, and flowers are a given, but some of you gentlemen out there may be interested in stepping outside the box, doing something that little bit different for your valentine.

While this is a lovely thought, diverting from the norm leaves a lot of room for error, potentially leaving you more Casa-NO-va and less Ryan Gosling in the Notebook. Rachel McAdams asked for a house – unless you are Gosling, our expectations (and standards) are simultaneously not that high. However there are some faux-pas that should be avoided at all costs.

So to encourage a happy romance, and discourage acts of vandalism on Derby road, here is your fool proof guide on what not to buy. For your own sakes, remember; ‘hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.’ Purchase any of these things and you’ll discover why…

The chocolate roses that have been there for three weeks in particular scream romance!  And what better to get the juices flowing than a microscopic bouquet of flowers? The majority of these flowers have also gone to the giant rose in the sky by the time they reach the store front. Farewell!

It goes without saying that Valentine’s Day is generally angled towards the girl.  Ergo, THIS IS NOT A GOOD TIME TO SELF-GIFT. The same goes for naked photos of yourself… there’s a reason candle light rather than a fluorescent glare is considered romantic.

It’s a special day – getting dressed both up and down is crucial.  Key word – DRESSED!  Less is not always more, ladies.

I would usually suggest that toys are a simple, easy solution to any gaps, but these… no.  In this case, sharing is most definitely not caring. These will not get you laid.

BLASPHEMY!! While this seems ironic considering my prior diatribe about how truly bad a bad gift is, I would prefer nipple tassels and a chlamydia bear than the day to not be acknowledged at all!

So, tempting as it is, make it personal, but avoid the humorous option… it’s likely to go down faster than a lead balloon.