Aunty Em: Lonely Valentine

All alone tonight? Aunty Em will see you through it…

Single on Valentine’s?

Dear Aunty Em,

Valentine’s Day is here and I haven’t got a date. Need I say more?


Dear bereft reader,

Yes being alone is stressful and you may be panicking, but there are many stresses
you do not have to face and count yourself lucky you didn’t advertise for a date!

You do not have to worry about buying presents, let alone what gift, not to mention the expense. You do not have to bother with extensive grooming, that means no waxing, no tanning, no nails, forget it, you have the opportunity to go au naturel and no one even cares!

As for planning an outfit, who cares, this isn’t your problem. If he hasn’t told you where you’re going, are you to plan an outfit for The Ritz or for Pizza Hut, you’ve got to make sure you stand out from all the 14 year-olds on their dates. This however, just isn’t your predicament, it’s for one of those people with a date!

As for a lack of flowers and chocolate, oh no, just wait until the 15th – it all goes on sale! Have you seen the roses made out of chocolate (great quality, Thorntons has nothing on them), ideal for a man on Valentine’s Day as he can combine the flowers with the chocolate all for the hefty price of £1, and great for you as just think how many you can get when they’re even cheaper.

Nevertheless, definitely get some chocolate in for tonight. Not only is it proved that it makes you feel better, but it’ll also insulate you on those cold nights, not to mention protect your feelings under a protective layer of flab.

In terms of the night itself, avoid all RomComs, Chick Flicks etc. Put on Die Hard, or if you’re feeling extra adventurous and willing to leave the house, the new one comes out in the cinema…on the 14th! Ideal! Alternatively, drown your sorrows and hit Market Bar, it’s hardly a couple’s retreat and plenty of singletons. Nevertheless, if you really can’t hold back all that…emotion, there’s Bridget. But ensure that Galaxy and Kleenex are to hand and your housemates are out of the house, no one needs to hear you sing, ‘All by myself’.

There’s always hope that your parents or even your Nan might send you a card. If times get desperate, force your mum to send you flowers, your housemates will never know… If you haven’t a date by Thursday and really do need one, go on a Trent night either on Wednesday so he wakes up in your bed the next day – yes you had a man in your bed on Valentine’s Day, or just give one a call – they probably wouldn’t care either way.

All in all, hopefully you won’t be as depressed as the guy in this ‘How to Survive Valentine’s Day’. Clearly he hasn’t managed to escape the institute yet…

p.s. There’s also various others including, ‘How to score on Valentine’s Day’
and ‘How to make edible undies’. But don’t say I didn’t warn you…