You saucy buggers!

Notts is the UK capital of filth, a survey finds.

It’s official: Nottingham is the sexiest city in the UK.

Think it’s because we’re all so good looking? Wrong. It turns out we’re all just horny and want to feed our fantasies with books.

A survey of book-readers around the country has revealed that Nottingham buys more erotic novels per capita than any other city in the UK.  So if you weren’t planning to spend this Valentine’s frigging happily away to Fifty Shades of Grey, then you might actually be in the minority.

The survey was run by U Star Novels, a company that offers personalised erotic novels, letting readers realise their love life on paper. You can even use your own pet names, allowing Mr. Grey to become Mr. Fluffy.

Nottingham boasts such a high number of erotic novel readers that the ratio over London and Manchester boasts a massive 6:1, which makes that more middle-age masturbatory aids than this reporter ever wants to see.

Despite the fact that this is the kind of news that ought to have Cupid sobbing uncontrollably as he shame-wanks into his cornflakes, popular mummy-porn peddlers U Star Novels have deemed this latest revelation to be a source of pride for the townfolk of Nottingham, renaming the city “Hottingham”.

How fucking depressing.

Sexiest City Per Capita Ranking:

1. Nottingham
2. Cambridge
3. Brighton
4. Oxford
5. Southampton
6. Bristol
7. Derby
8. Newcastle
9. Cardiff
10. Liverpool