How To Be Awesome

Your step-by-step fool proof guide to BNOC status

‘BNOC’. Big Name On Campus. Usually a self-professed label, and accordingly is that much more awkward.

In spite of this, on scanning Portland at lunchtime, there seem to be a number of snap-back clad dolts who appear intent on joining this elusive, indefinable, and disconcertingly superior party (and pardy with a ‘d’ they do).

But how does one attain this highly sought status? Is being a BNOC something that can be learnt, or a hidden genius only these Kings of the Campus can only be born with?

We understand and appreciate the trials and tribulations of the mere peasants who are more B-NOT, the riff raff of student life who can only dream of one day achieving the heights of BNOC status…

Fear not reader, we have a ten point checklist sure to help you identify and exemplify the behaviour of BNOC, in no time flat you’ll be, dare we say it… ‘one of THEM.’

1. Vocabulary – the word ‘mate’ should be as commonly used as blinking.  If you’re not using it, you’re not a BNOC.  

2. Social smoke – Smoking makes you 40% cooler, fact.

3. Use your laptop in a lecture – not to type lecture notes, but to keep up with your fans on Twitter and Facebook. They need you!

4. Be from London – Mate, Epping is a tube stop, it can’t be Essex.

5. Engage in some self- absorbed charity work. While we would never knock someone for their efforts to give back to society, we don’t all need to know about it.

6. Wearing Stash – particularly that loud Karni red is a sure-fire way to get you to BNOC status. If the fresher’s know you, everyone does bro.

7. Couple your stash with a gilet – Jack Wills gilet avec cheerleading hoodie – it screams BNOC, especially when paired with shorts and flip flops in the dead of winter. Beauty is pain. And BNOC is agony.

8. Tattoo banter – courtesy of gap-yah antics from a Vietnamese tattoo artist. ‘Veni-Vidi-Vici’ on your ankle? We’re sure you did conquer that shit, and thank goodness everyone can see it in those flip flops…

9. Using Hallward as a social venue – coffee? Hallward. Lunch? Hallward. Fag? Hallward.  Only peasants use a library as a library.

10. Become a ticket rep – if you’re not promoting a night, you’re not a BNOC. Selling Oceana tickets will get your foot in the door, but an all-night, drug fuelled house rave at Stealth – mate, you win.

Never fear, you’ll soon be on that not so secret Crisis guestlist.