Digipill: Prescribed for Pissing You Off

A deep soothing voice suggests you close your eyes and take a few moments to unwind and let him guide you through to a replenished state. So you let him, wondering if the thirteen minutes you’re about to give him are worth it.

Well he didn’t need a tenth of that time to make me want to lay my head down. Not because it worked, it was simply boring.

Digipill, billed as a new breed of ‘digital drug’ based only on sound, is a digital app that helps you win at life. The free ‘T-break’ pill promises to guide you to a “state of calm and replenishment” during the rest breaks in your day.

But if anything they enrage you and unsettle you. Repetitive metaphors that try to manipulate your body into a state of relaxation not only take their toll after a while, but they start to sound creepy as he asks me to let the energy flow from thighs. 

His mispronunciation, which is either on account of his stupidly low monotone voice or the fact that he’s lapsing into sleep himself from listening to himself for too long, combined with looping binaural beats ends with you nearly throwing your phone out the window.

Wanting a good rest you might be tempted to put good ol’ Sir David Attenborough on Eden and let him shut your weary eyes. But instead you’re stuck imagining your suggestive narrator, who sounds like a cross between Brian Cox and Professor X, in a candle lit room hovering over his crystal ball in an imitation Hugh Hefner gown.

After eight minutes our hypnotic friend perks up a little. Speeding up and encouraging us to boost our energy levels and brighten up by thinking of the ones we love and revel in our “layers of happiness”.

He tells us to open our eyes after thirteen incredibly long minutes that you’ll never get back.    But it doesn’t stop there.

Feeling like your luck has run out with the ladies? Go and spend £2.49 for a 19 minute audio enhancement to your babe magnetism that promises to up your game and help you “spot the opportunities for sensual satisfaction with the opposite sex”. 

Better yet, if you’re looking for a digital substitute for all that acid you’ve been taking try out “Trance Tripping”. Prescribed for euphoria and exploration this pill helps you delve into your subconscious. Why oh why would you want to do that?!  

Reading the reviews it may just be me. But I’m not as convinced as ‘wigantrev’ might be as he sits in his armchair and falls asleep. ‘3kglighter’ has listened to this every day for the last week and even his wife has commented on the change in him.  

Bollocks to that. I don’t buy this one bit. Just stick to whatever someone offers you in Stealth.