Shit Gifts: For the Posh and the Penniless

Stumped for gift ideas this Christmas? The Tab’s got it covered whether you’re rich or poor…

With deadlines flying left, right and centre, it would be a miracle if any of you have actually managed to get any Christmas shopping done at all this semester.

But do not fear, this handy guide has been designed for those who are balls deep into their overdraft, and also for those who lucky enough to have a few extra figures on their bank balance this Christmas.

For Mother


Vintage 1907 Heidseick Champagne – $275,000, Ritz-Carlton, Moscow

Shipwrecked 1907 Heidseick is the perfect gift for that champagne Christmas mummy always adores. Clocking in at $275,000 per bottle mummy is bound to just get rat-assed off this. Aside from the history of the bottle, which was discovered on 1907 at the bottom of the sea perfectly preserved, there are only 200 of them left in the world, making them very rare.


Tin Foil – Asda, 72p

If your mum wants something big and shiny this Christmas, why not treat her to this 20m roll of genuine tin wrapping foil? It’s an open secret that foil is vital to surviving Christmas. Too much turkey? Run out of tinsel? Nan suddenly develops hypothermia? Foil dat shit up. And for a yuletide bonus, you don’t even need wrapping paper. Just wrap the foil around itself for that authentic Christmas surprise.

For Father


Perazzi SCO Sporting Shotgun – £62,500, Pacific Sporting Arms

I’m not going to assume what married life is like but I can imagine it’s a lot easier with the knowledge you have one of these. You can be sure of Daddy’s eternal love with one these babies this Christmas. With prices starting at £62,500 there almost as cheap as paying off your student loans.


Log – free, the woods.

Imagine your Dad’s face when he finds a log under the tree on Christmas morning. Quite a picture… don’t you think? This genuine wooden log is guaranteed to get your Dad back to his primeval roots. Make a big fire, use it as dumbbell, lob it through some knobhead’s window, use it as a toiletside table. Or if he wants to keep the missus happy, put it on the mantelpiece for that authentic ‘log cabin’ feel.

For the Girlfriend


Diamond Pendant – $2.5 Million, Tiffany & Co.

My philosophy for Christmas has always been, when in doubt go for the small blue box. You go from being average insignificant uni boyfriend to Brad frickin’ Pitt for just a couple of mil with this heart shape beauty.  Seeing as you’ve already splashed out £342,000 on mummy and daddy, if you’re taking me seriously, what’s another couple of million right?


Vajazzle Kit – £1, Poundland

Add some glitz to your bird’s bits and your bedroom antics will be like the Blitz. She’ll strut around with the swankiest minge in town, and what says ‘come to bed’ more than Blackpool illuminations scattered between the legs? Lads, why not get involved in the Christmas spirit yourself with some dazzling disco balls or a glittergooch?

For the Boyfriend


Private Corporate Box – £1.5 million, Wembley

Obviously if you’re going for the posh options, you’re one of those girls who doesn’t need to buy a Christmas present. Having you is enough right? WRONG. Get off your pony and cough up the money for a private corporate box at Wembley. No England matches, only quality football will do so an FA cup final should be enough.


Socks – Primark, 99p

Now, you might be thinking that socks are probably the least desirable Christmas present ever for lads – and if you are… you’re probably right. But who cares? Christmas is probably the one time of year where lads actually get any new socks, and if you don’t buy them, you may have to deal with your boyfriend’s manky toe sticking out the end of his battered old sock for the whole of 2013. So girls… consider it an investment for yourself as well as him.

For the Housemate


Oval Swarovski Crystal Vodka – £6922, Harrods

Because there is no such thing as ‘too many crystals’. What better way to bring the semester to a close than downing shots of molten luxury. By the end of the night you’ll be throwing up £50 notes into the back of someone’s taxi and you’ll be the envy of every bitch in town.


Ocean Partypack – free (if you were quick enough), Freshers Fair

Add some fun to your predrinks with all that useless Ocean shit you’re bound to have from Freshers Fair! Whilst this may all seem like tat, they can be extremely useful for predrinking games. For instance: Drinking Frisbee. Throw a Frisbee at someone, everybody shouts: ‘Drinking Frisbee!’ at them until they down their drink, and repeat. You’ll be spewing quicker than Lily Allen after Christmas dinner.

Has this guide been useful to your Christmas shopping? What’s the most extravagant/crappy present you’ve ever gave or received? Give us a comment and let us know! And merry Christmas to you all!