How to be a dick in the club

Want to look like a dick in a club? Follow these key rules

As we are writing this article, we are getting ready for Crisis. And, as Frosty Jack begins to take his effect, we start to think about the night ahead. There will be a lot of things we don’t want to see but know we will.

So, we’re going to help you out by telling you what really grinds our gears on a night out. We’ll start with you ladies first, since we’re polite bitches, of course.


High heels and sequin dresses have no place in Ocean or Crisis. Save them forCoco Tang or Pandora’s. Freshers, please take note of this.

We know you’re new to the game, but if we see you wearing this attire, we will pour our jaeger bombs down you.

Coco Tang is fine. Ocean, is not.

Coco Tang is fine. Ocean, is not.

Your arse also has no place in the club.

Buy a new pair of shorts if cheeks are hanging out. Realistically, the only attention you will attract is from the  creepers (read below).

Keep it at the festivals

Keep it at the festivals

What are these circles of girls that form whenever a Pitbull or Nicki Minaj song
comes on? End that now.

Daggering. We aren’t going to say much on this topic. But do remember that you are at a Russell Group university. Fucking act like it.

Posh girls who rap in the club instigate an immediate ban from our lives and
from the world.

Azealia Banks did not write 212 for some idiot with backcombed hair to be screaming out the lyrics in Crisis. You’ve been warned.


We have no time for boys standing in the corner being creepers. If you want to dance with her, don’t stand there with your fucking sunglasses on looking like a prick. Just ask her. Confidence is key.

‘N***as in Paris’ is a good song, but you are not Jay and you are not Kanye West.

This is what you really look like

This is what you really look like

Why have you chosen the smallest top in your wardrobe to wear out? It doesn’t make you look bigger. It makes you look poor.

It is not okay to approach a girl from behind before she has a chance to evaluate your face. What happened to common courtesy? What would your mum say?

That one boy who clears the dance floor for everyone to watch him body pop, cat daddy and dougie should not be you. You are a disgrace.

We suggest you print this article out and stick it on your mirror. Memorize it. As you’re checking yourselves out before you leave your room, remind yourselves to not be that dick in the club.

Love from Ebony and Ivory, the bitches you wanna hate, but just can’t.