All the New Year’s Resolutions that you will have broken by your second week back at UEA

Dry January

Norwich has three Spoons and we have no willpower

What an absolute joke, none of you were going to actually make it through all of January, so cut your losses now and give up in time for the call of the classic two orange VK in Returners LCR. If any big-time LCR-goers make it through an entire Dry January, they should be given a UEA Gold Award immediately.

Veganuary

Norwich *does* have a great selection of vegan friendly haunts

As admirable and environmentally-friendly as this is (vegans we salute you), you'll totally forget and wake up in a smug bliss that you're into Week 3 and still #vegan. Then you'll stretch, look over at your desk and see the remains of the fat doner kebab that you annihilated last night after hitting Prince of Wales road. The chips and measly bits of salad – you probably would have got away with, but the burger sauce (half mayo) and the doner meat have broken your pledge already. Don't feel too bad, veganism will be much easier once your adult life is fully on track. Maybe try again when you're 38.

"I'm gonna go to everything on my timetable this term"

Already five weeks behind and we haven't even started the semester

No, you're not. This one was made in good faith, after all – you are doing a degree, but come Week 3 (and by that we mean end of Week 1) you'll be sat bleary-eyed on the sofa eating Doritos watching Loose Women at 11am and one of your housemates will cruelly ask "didn't you have a seminar today at 9am?"

Save more and spend less

After splashing out on Christmas presents, horrendously overpriced entry to clubs on New Year's Eve and then January rent comes out of your account, you'll vow to spend less money, make your own lunches and stop buying novelty frappucinos in UNIO between lectures. This will last approximately until you get the text from Student Finance England saying your loan will be dropping in three days. Cue the ASOS shopping sprees that last the next few weeks until the overdraft looms and you can't afford vegetables and you have to ring mum and ask to "borrow" 50 quid.

Keeping organised

The shiny new planner from Paperchase organising your free afternoons will be dog-eared and coffee-stained and forgotten under a pile of ASOS returns slips by Week 2. "I'm going to submit as soon as submission opens" will become a distant dream as you pull another all-nighter on Floor 3 of the Library trying to write 3,000 words in the next 12 hours. The idealistic dreams of volunteering on Sundays will also be crushed when you wake up hungover after Saturday A-List and order Domino's at 2pm.

Oh well. There's always next year!