UEA confessions: Terrible first dates

One guy flew over from South Korea after matching with a girl on Tinder

Sometimes first dates go well and sometimes they really really don’t. Here’s a selection anonymously submitted by some very brave UEA students to remind you that, whilst you’ve probably been on some truly horrendous first dates, they probably weren’t as bad as these…

“He locked me in the house without wifi or signal”

“So I went down to Devon to see this boy I’d been getting along really well with- we’d been texting for ages and we’d met up in London a few times and we decided that we were ‘seeing each other’. When I got to Devon, he was only interested in his phone 24/7, and told me that the only friends he had were girls. He then told me throughout the day that he still regularly goes on Tinder and would ‘definitely’ still go on a Tinder date even though we were together.

“We went out for dinner and he made me pay, even though I’d paid £120 to go down there already. At dinner he told me how he couldn’t wait to be single at the end of his degree, and about all the girls that had fucked him over/he’d fucked over in the past, to the extent of showing me their Instagrams.

“After him flirting with the barmaid, and way too many drinks, we ended up having a huge row and the next day he left to go to his uni lectures, locking me in the house without wifi or signal, ringing me on the house phone every 20 minutes just to leave a voicemail to say he was still annoyed at me. Safe to say I left his keys at the post office and ran out of there sharpish! Haven’t spoken to him since.”

“She tried to get off with me like an overactive caffeinated piranha”

“When I was 14 I went to an under-15 foam party at my local tragic club called the Priz which had a floor stickier than the LCR. I went with a mate (who I wasn’t interested in) but she clearly was and tried to get off with me like an overactive caffeinated piranha the whole night.

“On top of that, the foam caused me to almost have an asthma attack and I had to be picked up half-way through the night because I had inhaled way too much foam from the foam machine and it had fucked with my eyes.”

“In the morning he patted me on the head”

“I met up with this guy that I’d been chatting to on Tinder and the problems started as soon as I met him at the train station. He immediately insulted the way I was dressed because I was wearing a jumper with The Smiths on, he asked me if I was an emo because I “listen to all that shit”.

“When we got to a bar he asked if I minded buying my own drink, which I don’t usually, but the reason was he expected I’d go back to his and smoke his weed, which would cost the same as a drink. He then invited me back to his, and started telling me how he had recently dropped out of university to make and sell ketamine. He was not remotely interesting at all, and just talked about ket the whole time. His flat mates tried to convince me to sleep in one of their rooms and they’d take the sofa because of how much of a dick this guy was, but I didn’t take the hint and ended up sleeping in his bed with him. In the morning he patted me on the head and later I found out he tweeted about the whole evening quite succinctly with  ‘didn’t expect that, fuck me’.”

“He booked flights to come and visit me and spend a week in my house”

“I’d matched with this hunky black man on Tinder when I was in London. We got chatting, then snap chatting et cetera. It turned into regular FaceTiming and then, PLOT TWIST, it turns out he’s living and working in South Korea. Next thing I know, he’s booked flights to come and visit me and spends a week in my house (and my bed ). It was a fun and bizarre week and still can’t really understand how it got that far, but hey, it was fun. As my housemate says though, catch flights, not feelings…right?”

“I had to stop my car on the M11 and piss on the hard shoulder”

“In sixth form I finally gave in and downloaded Tinder. I’d matched with this girl who lived about an hour’s drive from me. We proper got on with each other and so we arranged to link up. Weirdly we chose to first meet at her house, so I pulled up and she wasn’t as much of a ‘pengting’ as first expected, but I’d come this far so wasn’t exactly going to turn around and go home again.

“Nothing really happened, we watched a movie and chilled, you know – I got up to leave after a few hours and asked if I could use her toilet before I drove home. She said I wasn’t allowed to use her bathroom and point blank refused to explain to me why (real fucking weird). Because of this I had to stop my car on the M11 and piss on the hard shoulder, with loads of people driving past and beeping at me. I didn’t text her again.”

“I was gagging on this chip like dick at the table”

“I went to GBK with this guy and ordered skinny fries, but midway through one got stuck in my throat. I was gagging on this chip like dick at the table. He suggested I have some water so I start gulping water like a fish, but looked at him and pissed myself with laughter and spat it all on the table. Bearing in mind it was 4pm and the restaurant was empty so all the staff were watching. It couldn’t have been that bad though because we’re still texting!”

“Ed Sheeran saved me from an awkward train journey”

“Okay so this girl was being super clingy on a date, like forcing me to hold her hand and shit and holding it really tight, trying to take every opportunity to kiss me but I wasn’t interested. We get to the end of the date and we’re at Ipswich station waiting for our train home and she’s trying to kiss me and I was running out of polite ways to say no because I didn’t want to spend the next 20 minutes say opposite a girl I had just rejected on the train platform.

“She moves in to kiss me and I suddenly shouted, over her shoulder, “what the fuck that’s Ed Sheeran!”  I’d seen his gig and met him a few months before (at this stage he was still pretty unknown). So I ran over to chat to him, but she had no idea who he was. He and I chatted for the whole train journey and I got to avoid kissing her. He got super famous a couple of weeks later and saved me from an awkward train journey.”