The dos and don’ts of first year, according to the UK’s Official Maddest Fresher

I am eternally grateful for this accolade – that I can not put on my CV, or ever tell my parents about – because it has rewarded me with some of the people who I want to be friends with for the rest of my life. Here’s some advice for a “mad” first year.

ECONOMICAL DRINKING: Wherever you are in the UK, supermarkets will provide you with a wide range of cheap ciders. Cheap and cheerful was never more apt as the winning combination of Sainsbury’s basic value cider and Sainsbury’s basic value squash makes it practically taste like Bulmers. I must warn however that this drink should not be consumed by anyone with IBS, as the resultant morning gut-rot can be a traumatising experience.

I do not need love, this is all I need

BE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN: Unlike school, the independence imbued in the university system allows one the independent free will to act in the most ridiculous manner your mind can conceive of. You may result in the occasional fine for noise complaints from apocalyptic house parties swarming with students, or for skinny dipping in a lake. Painful on my wallet, but my god was it worth it. Such behaviour is the best way to make the kind of fun-loving,  borderline alcoholic friends who you will want to keep for the rest of your life.

Even after a Professor told me my knicker’s were “hideous”, this is no reason to not be free

JOIN EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING YOU WANT: Find out about new peoples and cultures, as I did through joining Yorkshire society. I may not be from Yorkshire, but discovering the power of ale, and the northern charm have jointly lead to a new appreciation of this beautiful county and its people. 2 of my besties are from up there, and by meeting such people you can have many more awesome nights to go by visiting them in their hometowns:

Members of Yorkshire society here make their presence known through a great amount of Northern chanting

GETTING IN DRAG: Personally I like getting in drag as I think I pull off the look of a busty babe. Furthermore, by subverting the narrow binary of gender you open up a wider door of gender expression.  This is all very deep and meaningful, but a dress also allows the storage of substantial amounts of alcohol in its folds which can consequently be taken into many a venue.

LUBED UP WRESTLING: The excitement of carrying out lube wrestling matches with other strong budding men, #nohetero, is transcendent of any other activity on this list. Not only does it keep you fit and healthy, it also allows you to passionately express your affection for another guy.

Could do this all day long

DO NOT SWIM IN LAKES ON CAMPUS: Upon entering this body of freshwater a sharp pain in the testicular region greatly alarmed me. Having spoken to others about what swims in the lake on campus, the fear of the terrifying eels immediately sprang to mind. Upon phoning 111 they explained that the laceration was probably caused by a reed, or a rat bite, so fucking grim. DO NOT DO THIS.

Reaching for Travis, and in need of his comforting warmth

DON’T GET NAKED OFF-CAMPUS: As liberating as this can be, from personal experience getting naked off-campus (away from an oasis of infantile behaviour) whilst accidentally exposing myself buying milk, results in public complaints and police questioning. I was luckily let off when my flat mate spoke to the policeman and said: “Rob is special, he doesn’t know what is going on”.

Trust me a toga and boxers are easier to lose when intoxicated that you would think.

GO MAKE MUM PROUD: Second and third-years’ biggest regrets for first year is always pretty much, “I wish that I went out more”. One of our history seminar leaders literally said “Take a shit on the page, and you’ll pass”. However, a points out uni is an “academically competitive environment”, your doing the same subject for three years so “why not be the best at it?”. At the end of the day, you probably want to make mum proud.

In the car home though, just do not tell parents absolutely everything.

GET FRIENDS WHO ARE PREPARED FOR WHATEVER STUPID IDEA YOU CONJURE UP: You basically need friends who will be there to support your ridiculous behaviour no matter what you do. Be it to swimming in the lake, taking acid in a lecture or, most importantly, having an anti-socially loud house party, they must stick with you no matter what.

When you are in this state, you will need your friends to save you from your own stupidity.

DO NOT PUT VODKA DIPPED TAMPONS UP YOUR BOTTOM TO GET DRUNK, THIS IS HORRIFICALLY PAINFUL: Fortunately, there are no photos of this incident available, however, I will just express how this idea suggested by my flatmate Dom sounded fantastical, yet in reality resulted only in extreme pain.