Top tips for UEA freshers, from last year’s Maddest Fresher and his mates

The days after results day feel like a big scary clock counting down to the looming fear of moving away from home. These fears will evaporate as soon as you have experienced Freshers week, and have realised that not only is everyone in the same boat as you, but you’re also going to experience the most surreal year ever. These tips provided by last year’s freshers will help you have the best of times at UEA.

YOU DO YOU

UEA has a campus community where everyone ends up getting to know everyone, and you will always be welcome. In the words of a wise third year, “Everyone in first year is so caught up in what everyone thinks of them that they won’t care what you do”. You can just be your true self! There are so many people at uni you are guaranteed to find people like yourself. The only thing to remember is to be a nice person and no one will give a shit about anything else.

Honestly, have no fear, your flat becomes like a big family.

JOIN EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING YOU WANT

“Throw yourself into everything and anything that sounds remotely interesting to you. From getting meaty arms at the gym, to playing Quidditch, to joining Yorkshire Society.” – Alex Dalton

“I would definitely recommend getting involved in a sports team or a society. That way you can get involved with like-minded people and make new friends!” – Emily Bourne

Definitely join the lacrosse squad

FIND AND STROKE CLOUD DOG

There is fortunately more than one of these furry balls of good fortune and stardust. A stroke of a Cloud’s Dog’s fur has been clinically shown* to have the same euphoric effects as MDMA. Cloud Dog will make you sky high with happiness, and all your worries and hangovers will temporarily disappear.

UEA’s guardian angel

GO TO AS MANY A-LIST AND DAMN GOOD NIGHTS AS POSSIBLE

These are the names for the two club nights on campus, and are probably the best way to have fun with flatmates and meet new people during your first year of uni without worrying about venturing too far from your home soil. The whole campus becomes a magical, Mexican wave of energy on Tuesdays and Saturdays: and you can bet the last tenner of your student loan that everyone in your halls is always up for a Damn Good LCR.

Go all out on making costumes for events, because even if your cardboard broomstick breaks, or you tear your pantomime dress, the eternal memories will always be worth it. Crucially too, in the words of the immortal Embo, “You need to try all the flavours of the VK”. I would also add do not steal alcohol from behind the bar this results in a 3 week ban from the LCR and the head of the SU, Gavin, giving you a stern, fatherly telling off regarding your mishaps. Do as I say, kids, not as I do.

The legendary Embo. Try and beat this level of artistic ingenuity.

DO NOT LOSE YOUR CAMPUS CAR AND/OR KEY

This will result in many a visit to the Security Lodge who will have to let you in, at a hefty price. I had to resort to getting let in only by paying my flatmates in Kinder Buenos which became very costly.

Also, something they don’t warn you about is that cleaners will always lock your door after them when they finish emptying your bins or cleaning your sink. This means that, even if you’ve momentarily left your room to go and take a shower, you will get locked out if you forget to take your key with you. Every year many students make the dash to the Security Lodge in their towels in an attempt to regain entry to their rooms. Do not be that guy. You will end up on the UEA: Spotted Facebook page in nothing than a towel.

Express yourself freely within the confines of campus.

FING SOMEONE WHO’S GOOD TO YOU

Although the year ahead is going to be full of wild adventures and all-night extravaganzas, it’s still important to stay grounded and have a friend you can turn to in your time of need for comfort when you inevitably start missing home. Find someone who can look out for you, and you can look out for them in return, be it a boyf, a girlf, or a best friend. Go shopping with them, spend time with them, and have fun.

The bouncers call Cath my “carer”, we all need help from a uni BAE sometimes.

BUY ALL FOOD FROM ALDI

“It is worth the little extra walk and will save you soooooooooo much money. But watch out for the meal deals in the Student Union shop: they must be avoided at all costs. They are more addictive than crack and will drain you of your fund for going to the LCR and town.” – Calhan Mundy

LOFT IS LIFE, LOFT IS LOVE (on Thursdays)

Loft is a cheap, cheerful and inviting gay bar in Norwich city centre. It is best on Thursday when entry is ridiculously cheap, and drinks follow the same pricing structure. Furthermore, the free lube and condoms can be used for various purposes, such as topless lube battles by the lake (you’re at uni now. This is what grown ups do), or, like, actual sex.

OCCASIONALLY DO SOME WORK 

Plan A (the ideal option): Do the reading. You are paying £9000 for a degree, after all. Speak up in seminars and stand out to the tutor. Get in there early with showing them your essay plans, it will help you stay on top of your deadlines.

Plan B: (The option the majority of people choose): All you need is 40% to pass your first year. As long as you revise for four days solidly before your exams you’ll be fine. In the words of a seminar leader on the history witchcraft module, “Take a shit on the page, and you’ll pass”.

Such events as these distract from the goal of academic excellence. Don’t worry 1st year DOES NOT COUNT.

*no such study has been carried out, but it’s probably true