Why Maidstone was the best place in the world to grow up

Everyone thinks Maidstone’s a shithole, and for the most part it is – but it’s our shithole.

Sure, it’s an anagram for “I am stoned”, which most people are, but we’re the jagged thorn in Kent’s garden of England and we give Maidstone a reputation. Here’s why it’s the best place to grow up in the world

The fact that someone shat in Source

Remember that time when some bloke did a poo in the middle of Source’s dance floor and everyone thought it was their friend? Yeah, me too. Of all clubs to shit in though, Source is definitely the one. The DJs are crap but every time you go out there you’re guaranteed to have one classic story to share around the next day. I remember my friend telling me the bouncers wouldn’t let her in because she was too drunk so she rang the police and told them people were selling drugs inside. It’s just so Maidstone.

The headline from the Kent Messenger story

The beef between the girls’ grammars

“You go to Invicta? You’re bound to be a bitch then babe.” The hate between the grammars is a defining aspect of living in Maidstone. If you’re from Invicta then you’re obviously a slag who’s got with all your friends’ boyfriends. If you’re at MGGS though, you’re a classy gal and still know how to have fun. Invicta stole RAG week even though MGGS does it better, they still have wear uniform for sixth form lol and nobody ever really even wants to go to their sixth form, do they?

Any dramawill of course all be forgotten as you become bmfls in the Moons toilets and discuss how many uni offers you have, but rest assured, you’ll resume hating each other in the morning when you and the girls discuss how Invicta’s slaggy Olivia accidentally on purpose splashed water on your brand new top. What a bitch. But at least you all know you’re better than those comprehensive kids or Chavham grammar.

The angsty house parties

Maidstone wouldn’t be complete without house parties of angsty teenagers. Parents would welcome everyone in each weekend with a chirpy “Welcome to my orphanage” and those parties were the best you’d get – I even had my 17th birthday house party at a friend’s house where her mum decorated it all and made me a cake. House parties also functioned as the go-to “my-boyfriend-broke-up-with-me” meeting place. Chinese would be ordered, wine would be drunk, and psychotic phone calls to boys would be made. You’d write in lipstick on mirrors, smoke in the basement and play Never Have I Ever – and still make it to Chemistry in the morning.

Basement vibez

The ladies who sell things in club toilets

Did you really go out if you didn’t make bmfls with Sandra in Bar Chocolate? Her best song  is: “Freshen up your punani, punani, punani. freshen up your punani, for your boyfriend” – it’s so poetic.

Drinking in Brenchley

Before you were 18 and could legally get into Source, the only place to hang was in Brenchley among the hard boiz. My friends and I used to get our lambrini and vodka and down it by the War memorial. If the police were driving around trying to look for trouble from us, you’d have to hide your booze in the bushes and act sober. You’d then sneak back ten minutes later hoping a homeless person hadn’t stolen it.

Brenchley’s also the hotspot for local rumours. Remember that time some girls apparently had a threesome in a bush by Maidstone East? Classic.

Just those underage drinking moments

When the Olympic torch came through

God knows why it did, but it did.

The man with the ferret

Whether he’s outside Primark or River Island, he’ll be there with his loyal pet. Some homeless people have dogs or cats, but in Maidstone we do ferrets, okay?

When someone swam in the Maidstone floods on an inflatable whale

Only in Maidstone.

When Snoop Dog didn’t turn up at Moons

C’mon, everyone knew he was never really gonna come, didn’t they? It was only the thick ones who bought a ticket to see him. Other “celebrities” do turn up though, like Hugo from Made in Chelsea. I won a competition to meet him once but got asked to leave eventually because my friends and I just kept pushing in the queue (apparently they have queues in VIP sections, too) and it was upsetting his girlfriend. Remember that time Kerri Katona came and sang as well? Lol.

The caption though

When Family Bargains opened and your life changed forever

Those lunch breaks were never the same again when Family Bargains opened its doors. How did you even cope at lunchtime before you could go and buy half the shop for less than a fiver? And if you had homestudy it meant you could even make it there in time and pop into town for a cheeky Blendini before 2pm – amazing.

Friends that last

It’s a terrible cliché, I know, but in Maidstone you’ll make friends for life, I know so many people at uni who don’t even speak to their home lot anymore, whereas the Maidstone lot remain close as ever. Despite two having been booted from the group, we’re still going strong as fierce women in our twenties who are just as wild as we were at sixteen. It’s probably because there are so many weirdos in Maidstone that when you find a good bunch, you stick together. Thanks gals.

Overall, Maidstone may be awful, but, in the wise words of my friend: “Maidstone is quite a lot of banter but it probs would’ve been shit without like my ten friends lol.”

Preach it.