The ultimate guide to pooing on campus

We’ve all been there.

It’s 1pm in between your lectures and you’re desperate for a shit. Campus is crawling with everyone you know and, knowing your luck, you’ll bump into at least six people on your way into, and out of, the toilets you’ve located. It’s a faecible situation.

Campus is hardly the most ideal of places to realise you need a number two. Either the venue of your choice is going to be absolutely packed and you’ll leave the cubicle to face crowds staring you down for infesting the last unsoiled seat, or you have to risk travelling to the furthest corner in campus in hope of a deserted venue, then to be late for your next seminar.

Nevertheless, your options are almost endless. We’ve located some of the best restrooms, including the most vacant, the most luxurious, as well as the ones to avoid at all costs, to aid you in search of the perfect poo at UEA.

The library

You should have learnt in first year that pooing in the library is an absolute no-no. It’s common courtesy, really. Each floor’s toilets are more cramped than a phone box and the risk is too great when it comes to bumping into someone you know.

That doesn’t stop people, of course  -the bastards. Those hours of revision, red bulls and study drugs can equate to some explosive episodes. Steer clear of library toilets whenever possible, especially during essay season.

Lecture theatres

Almost always worth grabbing your campus card and momentarily leaving your library bae for a more peaceful and relieving experience across the walkway, the only people to regularly use these toilets are the Islamic Society located just down the hall.

It isn’t one of the swankiest toilets on the list, but it’s quiet, clean, and central enough to poop away your problems whenever need be.

Congregation Hall

 The quality of this restroom reflects its age – it’s no wonder they’re knocking the place down.

It looks a lot like the abandoned toilets in your secondary school that nobody used anymore, even to avoid double Physics, because they really were that disgusting. Complete with cracked floor tiles and a leaking skylight, these really are some of the dingiest cubicles on campus.

Nevertheless, they’re usually pretty empty, so it’s worth noting their existence for when your options are running low.

INTO building

By far the cleanest and best kept toilets open for the public at UEA, the INTO building always offers a pleasurable shitting experience. Complete with sci-fi door handles  and complimentary hand lotion,  you’re bound to feel less like a student and more like a valued customer in some high-end department store.

This is also the only place, I repeat, only place, where the measly one-ply paper is abolished and replaced by something less disgraceful.

Julian Study Centre

Although it’s one heck of a walk from the centre of campus, if you feel like treating yourself, JSC is everything. The luminous Japanese cherry blossom blooming overheard transports you away from your formatives and lab reports. If M&S sold pooping experiences, this would be it.

Sainsbury Centre

The Sainsbury Centre boasts toilets truly fitting for the home of the Avengers. Each cubicle is its own pod with backlights inside the mirror that activate when the door is locked. Similarly, if dropping a load in public makes you especially nervous, the individual pods provide enough privacy while you do your business.

Again, this one is a little bit out of the way, but if you don’t mind the queue or the elderly (and very lovely) women who are visiting on a day trip to see whatever’s currently on exhibition, this is a truly peaceful poo.

Blue bar/Red bar

Usually saved as the location for your drunken DMCs and tactical chunders, the toilets in both red and blue bar are the perfect location for a speedy shit mid-afternoon. However, as the day draws to a close and the bars begin to fill up with post-lecture pint-goers, these can be some of the busiest loos on campus.

Also, the only thing worse than bumping into someone you know after you’ve been defacing the porcelain palace is bumping into someone of the opposite sex after doing so. As a rule of thumb, then, gender neutral toilets should really be avoided when it’s a number two coming on. Blue bar over red bar any day, therefore (sorry red bar fans).

The LCR

But then the worst thing happens. It’s a Tuesday night. You’re LCR vibin’. And it happens. The urge strikes you. As we’ve established, gender neutrals just won’t do, especially if you’re expecting to pull tonight – last time I checked poo fumes weren’t an aphrodisiac.

But wait, there is one last possible option. It’s a tricky feat to get in, but it is possible. Backstage of the LCR boasts not only a clean and roomy cubicle, but a room of silence against the chorus of cries screeching “HURRY UP” and “HOW LONG ARE YOU GONNA BE” over cubicle partitions as someone attempts to bang your door down in the LCR.

This isn’t just anyone’s territory, in comparison. There’s a fully-stocked mini fridge, and a table with an array of carefully organised and well presented snacks. There’s even free fucking WiFi.

By far the more luxurious retreat for you to relieve yourself on campus, this is the height of pooing pleasure. As you take your time and help yourself to the next artist who’s playing there’s rider, you can think about all those great individuals with whom you have shared your throne. The Kooks, Gabrielle Aplin, and soon Nelly, not once but twice shall perch where you dropped one.

We can’t promise you that you’ll be readily welcomed in, but hey, we managed it pretty easily.

Actually, we pretended to be cleaning staff. We couldn’t believe it worked either.