Highly Infectious Pandemic Sweeps UEA

The Tab warns in advance, some may find the recent events concerning the deadly outbreak of Flu Virus HN546 (colloquially known as ‘Freshers Flu’) as described in this article highly distressing, and completely satirical.

The University of East Anglia officially today started its shutdown process. In a similar fashion to the United States’ Government, all services are hereby suspended, and lectures postponed until further notice. It is anticipated that if the situation develops further, a state of martial law will have to follow the state of emergency already in place. As expected, to prevent further infection, severe actions will continue until the endemic has passed.

While it was previously expected that the disease would last only for the Freshers’ Week – as was promised in its title – the infection continues to mutate and develop.

Freshers were spotted taking precautions on campus today. Photo: www.thesite.org

Following this recent development, Suffolk Terrace – due to a severe outbreak of Freshers’ Flu – was quarantined over the weekend. Cries of anguish followed as the path to the laundrette was blocked to students, now running out of clean underwear. This has become of primary importance to the students stranded on the other side of the barriers put in place – adding to the poverty stricken conditions that now lie in those decrepit blocks. In addition, it is widely believed that Nelson Court is now 90% infected. The Union have yet to release a statement on these developments, though they previously advised that all students stay away from the suspected source of the outbreak, the Lower Common Room in Union House.

The Burger Van was nowhere to be seen on Saturday night.

Emergency relief was given, for a brief period, during Freshers week by the kind people of Dominos who offered forth pizza for students – both infected and clean. Though, predictably, the portions were rationed due to high demand and riots were nearly caused owing to escalating tensions in the crowds of undergraduates. Indeed, the food situation has become so dire that distributors hide behind the reinforced glass of the Union shop, passing food through a hole in the wall to prevent infection and local food distribution services (known affectionately as the ‘Burger Van’) steered clear for their own safety.

It is vital at this point that you protect yourself from Freshers’ Flu. Often passed on through mediums such as coughing, shaking hands and snogging one of your flatmates, it is important to keep clean and control personal hygiene. Adopt ‘Catch it, bin it, kill it’ as part of your ethos and day to day life (as seen in the posters below).

The only way to safely avoid the flu.

We at the Tab will continue to update you on the progress on this deadly disease as long as we are able. However, advice remains the same. Remain indoors, and avoid those who look unwell and take the necessary precautions.

Good luck.

Splash Image: University of Wisconsin