My Experience: Coping With Anxiety And Depression

As part of Mental Health Awareness Week, The Tab is reprinting some of the pieces from our illuminating My Experience series.

anxiety depression mental health awareness uea student

As part of Mental Health Awareness Week, The Tab are reprinting articles from our ‘My Experience’ series, to highlight just a few of the problems  that can affect UEA students.  If you are suffering from a mental health problem and would like to educate your fellow students via a My Experience article, please email [email protected].

For more information, see www.time-to-change.org.uk

 

Depression and anxiety are both such ugly words. In my eyes they had always conjured up images of a lonely middle aged woman whose husband had just left her, or a suited and booted businessman who had just lost his job at some hedge fund and was relying on an unhealthy amount of port to get him through.

Not me, a twenty year old fresher whose life had previously revolved around Coronation Street, chicken tikka baltis and an unhealthy amount of Apple Sourz. Having watched family members, boyfriends and friends struggle with bouts of depression of varying severities, I made the conclusion that emotional health issues were for the weak, that anybody claiming to be depressed just needed to ‘snap out of it’ and ‘pull themselves together’.

How very wrong I was.

My own brush with anxiety and depression issues over the past few months have taught me that the stigma we attach to these problems needs to be removed– we need to talk about these things- we need the world to show us that we are not alone.

My anxiety began after I initiated a break up with my last boyfriend in October, who himself had suffered from depression for all his adult life. This is an article, not a transcript of Jeremy Kyle so I won’t go into the nasty particulars- but suffice to say he said many things that left me worried for his safety. My days stopped being about enjoying my life as a fresher with my lovely flatmates, and started revolving around spending the best part of every day on the phone to one of his friends whilst they reassured me he was alright, or constantly checking Facebook. What started off as simply a bit of worrying quickly filtered into all aspects of my life- I stopped eating and dropped a stone and a half in the space of 6 weeks, I couldn’t sleep and felt completely trapped in my own head.

Although my ex-boyfriend seemed to be coping with the break up well, I couldn’t stop worrying- and soon the anxiety transferred to other parts of my life. I worried that I wasn’t smart enough for university, that my flatmates hated me, that my family were sick of me– of course, everyone has negative thoughts from time to time but I couldn’t understand why I just did not seem to be able to escape them, not even for just five minutes.

This downwards spiral caused me to become tearful all the time- to feel lost and confused, devoid of energy- most mornings when I woke up it became a genuine struggle to convince myself to get out of bed. I began to question my very existence- and constantly ruminated over why I was even here, if I was just going to feel so terrible all the time.

The worst part of my experience were the times I felt completely barren of emotion altogether- as if my brain had snapped and shut off the side of me that had feelings- I couldn’t experience joy, excitement, hope and worst of all- love. The people and things that had once been so dear to me did not seem to matter anymore, and the pretence that I actually cared about life and all the things that fill it became exhausting. I felt out of my own body, disconnected from reality- as if my entire life had become the worst kind of nightmare. At times I genuinely felt as if I’d rather not be here. In short, in the space of just a few months I had transformed from a bolshy, headstrong and confident Northerner to a wreck of my former self, who could easily go for days without leaving my room.

No one ever seems to talk about the physical sides of depression and anxiety- and believe me, there are plenty. From the near constant headaches to feeling dizzy every time I stood up and the pervading feeling that I was going to be sick- depression and anxiety not only made me mentally ill, they made me physically ill. It was in fact, the physical effects of my illness that finally took me to the doctor- convinced (in my anxiety) that I had some terrible incurable disease. The doctor was sympathetic when he reached the root of my problems, diagnosed me with major anxiety and depression and prescribed me a course of low dosage anti-depressants. In addition, he recommended I started seeing a University counsellor- and thus my recovery began.

Although it was hard at first discussing these problems with a stranger who didn’t know me, my counsellor reassured me that I was not alone and that I could get through this. She also provided me with various cognitive techniques to help me challenge my depression and anxiety, but more than anything, counselling has given me a space where for an hour every week I can simply talk about the confusing mess of emotions inside me. I never before realized how simply talking about a problem seems to shrink it but talking about things really does work.

What I would like to say to anybody who finds themselves in a position similar to mine– never identical, no two cases of depression/anxiety are the same- is that, hopeless as life may seem, there are so many tools to help you get back to the person you once were. Talking to a counsellor was indispensable for me, as was writing down my problems, going swimming and reading my favourite books- not to mention the support of my wonderful family, friends and my current boyfriend. The Dean of Students were fabulous at sorting me out extensions on essays that seemed insurmountable. Don’t be frightened of taking anti-depressants if you need them- they can be an absolute lifeline, and though they won’t magically fix your problems, they can provide you with the clarity needed to deal with them.

Depression and anxiety do not disappear overnight. I’m still working every day on keeping positive and getting my energy back- but slowly and surely I’m beginning to feel better. To anybody with mental health problems- you are not alone, and you will get through this. It is only through going through it myself that I have learnt that so many students suffer in silence, like I did for so long.

Speak out. It will be the most courageous and life-saving thing you have ever done.