LCR Apologises For Being Shit

The LCR has this morning revealed in a statement that it ‘cannot apologise enough for being so utterly, utterly dreadful.’*

Amongst the things it apologised for were awful, clichéd music, poor service, extortionate drinks and entrance prices and having all the general atmosphere and charm of a Taiwanese prison.

The 40-year old building admitted: ‘I don’t like what I do. I don’t like smelling constantly of chunder and jaegar and Aldi’s equivalent to Lynx. But as an inanimate object, there’s really not very much I can do about it.’

Hive: Empty. Bereft. Alone.

The Hive responded by saying ‘I am a central hub where students meet to socialise, work, and enjoy each other’s company.’

When asked if it liked being a misleading poster-boy for the University elite, it broke down and said: ‘Alright! I lied! I’m fully aware that I have spent 40 years drastically misrepresenting what happens at this University.’

‘If you want a realistic representation, go live in the Ziggurats for a year and see if you come out with your sanity fucking intact.’

*The editors accepts no responsibility for the credibility (or lack of) of this piece. They’re too busy comforting the LCR and telling them that it’s all okay.