Skype Sex: A Valentines Day Special

Yes ladies and gents, Skype is used for more than just business calls and cute catch-ups with relatives. When the one you love is miles away, you want to be close to them in any way you can. For the times when you can’t feel their hand in yours, or their warm breath on your neck, what do you do? The Tab has the answer….

Most people would find it difficult to bump ‘n’ grind to absolute silence. You need something to get you going without it sounding horrible at your partner’s end. If you play music, play it on your cd player (if you’re retro) or on your phone.

Choose your music wisely. Serious Skype sex to the sounds of Marvin Gaye is impossible without collapsing in a fit of cringe-induced giggles. Go for some smooth inoffensive background music, like some Usher or LL Cool J. Or if you like hardcore headbanging shenanigans try something a bit heavier like The Used.

A nice environment is key. A lovely (locked) tidy bedroom will give you the privacy and space for you to lose all inhibitions. Stepping on a plug half way through doing your thing is excruciating and embarrassing.

Lights, camera, action! The positioning of light can be a great ally. Make sure it is never behind you.

The best Skype sex starts with a proper build up. It’s a hard job to get sexual when you’ve been going on about your verruca, or moaning about how your bike is broken.

Equally, jumping into things is not a good idea. ‘Hello, are you hard yet?’ will never go down well. It’s all about body language: girls, twirl your hair and stare lustfully into the camera. Boys: flashing a cheeky smile goes a long way.

Dirty talk is a must. Without dirty talk, Skype sex is like a music video without sound. Avoid cringey phrases, such as ‘fondle my flesh puddings’ or ‘I want to get your Mr. Floppy hard.’ Not only is the latter highly insulting, but it will turn off your partner quicker than you can say ‘mouse mat.’ Just go with what feels real, no one likes forced talk and wooden movements. That’s what pornography’s for.

Dirty talk is an enigma to many of us. However, thanks to the success of ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ most of us have discovered a ‘mojo’ we didn’t know we had. We’re beginning to open up a bit about what we want, and how we want it. The key is just to let your boyfriend/girlfriend know how much you wish you were with them, and how turned on you are by what they are saying/doing. If you are too shy to say the naughty words out loud, you can always type them. ‘I want my £$%^ in your &%$$£ now’ etc…

If you don’t trust your lover, then don’t have Skype sex with them. It’s not advisable to have Skype sex with a new love as you’re still getting to know them and their boundaries. No one wants to see an Instagrammed image of their naked body.

Do not be afraid of your own pleasure. Visual effects are vital for successful Skype Sex.

Avoid cringey Howard-style comments

For girls, dressing up a bit (whether that be a bit of red lippy, or full on fish nets and peep hole bras) will not only drive him crazy, but will help you feel more confident. Boys, exchange those holey boxers for something with a bit more sex appeal. There is truth in the age old saying ‘if you look good, you’ll feel good’. Apathetically playing with yourself in a pair of Reeboks will just not do.

And finally, make sure your internet connection is strong. The worst scenario is that you build to an amazing crescendo of lust and BOOM! Your internet goes down, and therefore, so do other things. (Ahem.)

I would go on to say more, but I think you have some calling to do.