Mid-Term Madness

The next few weeks will be tough for us students. Many of us struggle with exams, coursework or a disgusting mixture of both, but they need not be a weight on our shoulders. The art to preparation must be mastered, and a Zen-like state of mind is required to ace an exam or create a masterful piece of coursework.

“The general who wins the battle makes many calculations in his temple before the battle is fought. The general who loses makes but few calculations beforehand.” – Sun Tzu

Food: In order to achieve the focused mental state, you have to eat the right food. Bananas are well known for helping one to think clearly and calmly. It’s no coincidence that man evolved from primates – the intelligence of man is a result of the constant eating of bananas, the action primates are famed for. For maximum effect, it’s best to eat at least ten bananas a day, however thirty plus will definitely improve your results. The general who wins the battle may make many calculations, but the general who eats many bananas before these calculations will make quicker and more thoughtful calculations, and triumph over his opponent.

Drink: It’s vital to remain relaxed while revising or writing your coursework. The easiest way to do this is to drink plenty of fluids. You should always keep your fridge stocked with beer, or if you prefer it keep your cellar filled with wine. On the night before the exam it is often difficult to sleep. This is a good time to drink a little more than usual, and subsequently fall asleep quickly and easily. This also has the added benefit of giving you a chance to retake the exam for free; as there is a possibility you will vomit during the examination, and can claim illness.

“The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting” – Sun Tzu

Stress: Releasing tension is important when trying to work. It can be very stressful, and stress is nothing more than the fight or flight response extended over a long period of time. Forget rigorous exercise, bench presses are inferior to the most pure form of release – sexual intercourse. But sex with a partner can become predictable. For the best grades, go out the night before the exam, or the hand in date of your coursework, and find somebody new. Besides, waking up in a strange person’s bed will do wonders for your creativity.

“You have to believe in yourself” – Sun Tzu

This strategy has been developed through careful trial and error from my own experience. It’s not for everyone, but if at least one person finds wisdom in my words, then my job is done. Good luck.