Survival of the Shyest

University had been my ultimate goal throughout childhood. No matter what happened this was where I wanted to end up. Yet, as the time grew closer, all of my insecurities seemed to surface. I have always been considered ‘shy’, a word which, over time, not only frustrated me but become part of my identity.

I knew that university would be a social struggle for me but I also knew it was the only way forward; I had to face my fears. So, after sobbing over my mother, my dog and my cat, I left home to find the new me.

After unpacking, hastily selecting my space in the fridge and plastering my now puffy eyes in makeup, I set off to “socialise”.

Although, socialising turned out to be me sitting at the kitchen table listening to everyone else and awkwardly answering any questions they had for me.

However, somehow we all felt connected, all of us were experiencing something new and out of our comfort zone, some people were just better at hiding their nerves.

For a week I remained the ‘timid one’, I went on nights out but I was worried about how people would react to the real me. I felt like I had to be the wild child for once, like I needed to prove to everyone that I could be a confident person.

With this mindset, I became the shy one who’s brilliant on a night out. Not what I had intended but it was better than just being shy.

After creating a reputation for myself that I wasn’t entirely happy with, I realised what I was doing. I was letting other people’s judgements rule my life and I was trapped in the new stereotype I had created for myself.

Lectures were a whole other matter entirely. When I looked around and saw people talking in their groups, I wondered how everyone had made friends so quickly. I’m a nice person, why am I standing alone? Those were the hardest days. I’ve always felt different to others, my interests are different and quite obviously I lack in social skills. But being at university with no family and no friends to support me, I felt so alone and disappointed.

After having this depressive dip, I decided to put on my armour and prepare to battle with my emotions, I wasn’t giving in that easily. I went to my lectures as normal, but this time I decided that whoever I ended up sitting next to I would introduce myself to them.

This became a common trend, until most people on my course knew who I was. This didn’t solve my problem though, as everyone knew me, but I couldn’t say that any were close friends.

Now in my second year of UEA, I am in a comfortable niche. Despite my wild first year and lack of true friends in lectures, I have come out on the other side.

I may still be considered shy, but to those few people who have seen the ‘me’ behind that stereotype I am a good friend. To those that accepted me as I am, I am a housemate and support base. I know I have my family’s support even though I’m not with them and I know I am in control of my own life now.

Being shy isn’t the disease I considered it to be, it’s just a characteristic I happen to have.  I know that the people worth knowing will not judge me, but encourage me to be myself.