How to cock block

Sometimes cock blocks are annoying. Sometimes they are essential. Whether it is the guy with the alcohol fuelled ego grinding on your friend like a Chihuahua in heat, or the over friendly girl whose hands you cannot see.

So ladies and gentleman, as someone described as a “walking, talking sex repellent” I share with you my philosophy for deterring even the most determined creeps and bunny boilers:

Note who is scheming to approach your friend. Sometimes this is hard in a busy club, but if you keep an eye out for those slowly but surely sidling up to your friend, you can prepare yourself to block successfully.

In the same way Jeremy Kyle can tell when the toothless inbreds on his show are lying, even the most inebriated of LCR goers can tell from a turning of your back to them that they are not welcome. Failing that a simple flexing of the muscles combined with a clicking of the neck is enough to make even the most forgetful of people suddenly remember they need to be somewhere else.

While muscle can be useful, it is not all about your biceps! Approaching someone in a nightclub is all about confidence and the same is true in reverse. Being able to engage someone whether it be to hit on them or to stop them hitting on your friend is half the job. You do not need brawn, just determination and razor like instincts.

A piercing stare can say a thousand words but primarily it says two: one beginning with F and the other being off. However, being able to tell somebody where to go with just a look is not a natural talent but something acquired through practice and commitment. Whilst there are plenty of chances for you to perfect this skill on an average LCR night, a good way to practice in the cold light of day would be to take a stroll through town and try it out on every charity worker that wants “just 5 minutes of your time”. (note: The Tab does not condone open hostility to fellow human beings.)

From dropping a witty one liner, to telling someone you love them- timing is just important as the action itself. When on cock blocking duty 90% of the time you have to sacrifice your own fun to ensure your friend remains unmolested. Most men and women will take no for an answer and simply move on, however there will always be those that are either too drunk, stubborn or darn right creepy to concede defeat. This is when you step in like a UN Peacekeeping Force.

On my first experience of seeing a woman eating the face off her attractive BFF I have never pitched a tent quicker in my life. To quote a friend ‘men have very simple minds: one woman, good. Two woman, better.’ it simply makes them take more notice and be even less deterred. Analyse it however you like, it is simply a case of a primal desire to conquer the unconquerable.

Like a boss: Just one example of a cock-blocking technique.