How to… Survive a Zombie Apocalypse at UEA

ATTENTION. Look out your windows next week and you may see many a bleary-eyed person shuffling around aimlessly and groaning nonsensically. No, The Tab does not mean students with a 9am start. This is the Zombie Apocalypse and here is The Tab‘s guide to making it through.

As one of humanity’s (and more importantly UEA’s)  last hopes of surviving the outbreak, it is up to you to ensure the human race lives on, so do whatever it takes, nobody is going to judge you. Mainly because most of your fellow students are dead…

In the event of a zombie apocalypse you must first arm yourselves, so know in advance where the easiest to access weapons are in your flat, whether it be the knife block or simply your trusty hockey stick. Worst case, try and get to the UFO to get your hands on some cutlery…

As in any fight knowing your enemy is the key to defeating them. First things first, find out what kills them, stereotypically a blow to the brain should do it but nothing is certain. If bludgeoning the head of your favourite seminar leader is an unpleasant thought for you, remember, they are not the educator you once knew and respected. And they will kill you. If you are really stuck, watch a few ‘Resident Evil’ films on a dead flatmate’s TV, you’ll get the idea. Once you have established how to kill your friendly neighbourhood flesh eater, watch closely to find out more information such as how they track their prey, if they can run, swim, climb etc.

Many of you will probably think that barricading yourselves in the terraces and waiting to be rescued is a good shout. But staying on campus would be a death wish because of the quantity of people around at any one time who could potentially be zombies. The same goes for the rest of the city, so heading out of the city should be your first port of call.  Less populated areas mean less likelihood of infection. It would probably be best to make your way to the Norfolk Broads for the least risk of bumping into any unfriendlies. As for transport, stealing an abandoned car from the smaller, lesser known, ‘Blackdale car park’ to the east of campus is our recommendation. (NB: The Tab does not condone stealing except at the end of the world.)

The Terraces: Not the place to be at the end of the world…

In the event of an apocalypse, it is highly unlikely that the Tesco delivery you ordered will arrive any time soon, but if you are on campus, it might worth a cheeky trip to the UFO, Tesco or Co-op nearby.  Who would have thought that all it would take is a zombie apocalypse for students to get free food. Just don’t go for anything likely to go off or that requires a microwave/ can opener…

Preferably one that does not contain Zach Galifianakis. While you might think that Lone Wolfing it is the way to go, you are wrong. UEA students stick together! So get together a group with as many different skills as possible and face this Zombie Apocalypse as a team. If you don’t get on with your flatmates, this is not the time to be squabbling over stolen milk or the state of the kitchen, unite!

If you are unfortunate enough to get bitten and survive, then please do the world a favour and finish yourself off, unfortunately there are no fairytale endings in the zombie apocalypse and you risk infecting others by holding onto hope that you might not get turned.

Good luck!