Did I take binge drinking too far? – My Experience!

How much can you drink to escape a painful childhood before alcohol dependency becomes the bigger demon?

alcohol Binge Drinking student

When I look back over my 21 years of life, I can’t remember a single year where something didn’t go wrong. There have been times, even as a young child, where I remember being so lonely and so desperately unhappy.

I had a parent walk out on me when I was too young to have really realised what was going on, and it has only been in the last few years that I’ve realised how much that one event has impacted upon my life.

At school, I went from being the class clown to completely withdrawn. Within one academic year, I’d completely changed. I was the one with all the friends, and then as I approached GCSE years I shied away from people, I didn’t want them knowing the truth about me. I felt worthless and completely devoid of emotion.

So, I turned to alcohol. As a child, I’d watched my Mum do it countless times, and my Dad at times as well, so why shouldn’t I? Back then the alcoholism was fairly restricted of course, I was never going to stroll in at 3am hammered, because at 15, I’m sure my Dad would have disapproved.

However, I suppose I saw coming to University as a chance to drink as much as I liked, strolling in at ungodly hours without a care in the world because there was no one there to tell me not to. I began, as first year progressed, to find drinking really quite relieving. The feeling of being drunk, of letting go of inhibitions, of allowing myself to be truly free for a few hours, gave me a chance to be happy. Or, what I assumed was happiness.

In first year, I seemed to embrace a promiscuity that I look back on with a burning sense of shame. I embraced bottles of vodka and wine, whatever I could get my hands on. Alcohol was alcohol, and it numbed the pain. The hangovers were horrendous, and in the usual student style, I vowed never to drink again.

I’m sure my friends must have had the time of their lives betting on how long it’d be before I donned the shortest dress I could find and the highest heels in my wardrobe- drinks all round on the losing bet? I guess no one, not even me, realised what was happening!

I also had a terrible second year. Everything I’d been through with my parents suddenly unravelled and I felt so alone. I truly believed I was on my own and the only friend I could really rely on was alcohol, because the alcohol took on the burden of my pain, if only for a few hours.

I partied hard, to most people it must have looked like I was having the time of my life. The truth is I wasn’t. I felt like I was at the time, but looking back, I was cut up inside.

Sometimes, I didn’t understand what was making me sad, but I knew there was something. If you’ve lost the presence of a parent in your life, you’ll understand how damaging it can be. For me, it has been the thing that has defined me. Or at least it did.

When I look back over the last few years of my life, all I see is an abyss of drunken nights out, of waking up regretting the night before, of wishing I could take back the alcohol. But, it never seemed to stop me doing it again and again.

So, I took a long hard look at myself, and during the summer, apart from a few evenings out, I remained t-total. I forced myself to face up to my demons, and yes, it was hard. It was horrendous.

I was having counselling sessions each week, and each time I went, I could feel myself emerging from the darkest corners of my mind. Recently, I’ve begun to feel like I’m going back to where I was, but I think, as a third year about to start the next chapter of my life, a few nights out is acceptable, right?

That’s what I think I need to remember, and I guess, what some students out there should also consider: a drunken night out is great, in fact, it’s an opportunity to embrace the wild you. But, there is such thing as too much of a good thing!

Too much alcohol can lead to dependency, and nearly being trapped by it has showed me that I never want to be dependent on alcohol. I thought my terrible childhood took away my right to decide how to live my life.  I was wrong. The alcohol nearly did though!