The 5 Ls, An Objective and By No Means Informed Evaluation

Ever wondered what your chances are of accomplishing one the five Ls undetected? VICTORIA FINAN investigates…

sex in public uea uea 5 l's

Ah, the five Ls. Those hallowed grounds, the holy grail of student sexual experience, the reason that we all put UEA as first choice on our UCAS forms…or not. Student Accomodation doesn’t exactly breed the most romantic atmosphere for a bit of ‘how’s yer father’, what with all that festering underwear strewn across floor and the frequent and pervasive scent of some illegal substance. Especially now we’ve hit those summer months, many students may feel some revision relief is sorely needed and may wish to spice up their err, extra-curricular activites.

 

Despite the recent Student Sex Survey indicating that in actual fact a very small portion of students have completed even one of the notorious five, they are still passed down in UEA folklore each year, wide-eyed freshers being reliably informed that achieving all five will make you the Sex God or Goddess of campus. Here the UEA Drop evaluates each of the five Ls for their romance factor, grossability, the chance of getting caught and, of course, those all important lad/lass points…

1) The Lake- Undoubtedly the most romantic of the five Ls, our very own broad is full of wildlife, flora, fauna and an unholy amount of discarded condoms. If outdoor sex is your thing, it’s probably ideal but especially now the weather is fine, it might be a good idea to go wandering at night if you don’t want to be accused of dogging by security. It’s easy to find a secluded spot, but unless you can concoct some exotic position, it may involve getting down and dirty, literally, so be warned.

 

Romance Factor: 5/5, The Lake is a real beauty spot and romance is sure to flow- its seclusion and peaceful atmosphere will make you feel like you’re the only couple in the world- until you realize you’re being watched by a pair of pervy bunnies.

 

Grossability: 2/5 A bit muddy at the best of times, also with the guarantee sharp twigs and rabbit droppings, you’ll definitely want a shower afterwards, but at least you’re likely to have some privacy.

 

Caughtability: 2/5 If you go ‘off-peak’ the lake is pretty deserted… but also pretty cold!

 

Lad/Lass Points: 10 The seclusion of the lake means this isn't a really risky experience!

 

2) The LCR- There’s something deeply erotic about grinding to the latest One Direction track, on a sweaty dancefloor surrounded by eighteen year olds who are acting as if they have only just been let out of the house for the first time. For those who are wanting to take things a step further, what could be more romantic than making tender love right there and then? You could even get your friends to take drunken snapshots so all of your friends will know just how vile you were the next day. What larks.
 

Romance Factor: 1/5 If this is how you want to impress your date, The UEA Drop would not recommend it (why are you taking a date to the LCR in the first place?!). But if she's the kinda gal who'd happily swap scented candles for aggressive strobe lighting and romantic music for the likes of 'Call Me Maybe', then be our guest.

 

Grossability: 5/5 The sweat…the alcohol…The fact that you are surrounded by hundreds of other people make this pretty much the most disgusting option of the list.
 

Caughtability: 3/5 Surprisingly low, but judging by what goes on at the LCR most nights, most people will probably barely notice- and there's always the toilets.
 

Lad/Lass Points: 20 It would be more, but the sheer repulsion of what you’re doing has to knock a few points off. If that sticky floor is really what it takes to get you going then The Drop recommends that a trip to the sex therapist might be appropriate this summer.

 

 

3) The Lecture Theatre- Who hasn’t fantasized about one of UEA’s esteemed academics interrupting their enthralling lecture and just taking us there and then? If you don’t have a sexy academic to hand, take your lad or lady to the Lecture Theatre and recreate the experience. Lecture Theatres 1-4 are just a stone’s throw from most of the campus accommodation but why not spice up your sex life with something exotic and make your way over to the Lecture Theatre equivalent of a five star hotel at Thomas Paine…
 

Romance Factor: 2/5 But definitely more if you do a Ross from ‘Friends’ and project something romantic onto one of the screens (the last biology lecture of the day’s lingering slides definitely don’t count, sorry.).
 

Grossability: 2/5 If the Lecture Theatre is empty. If it’s full, you may risk expulsion.
 

Caughtability: 4/5 You never know when a cleaner or a member of the AV Team might want to pop in- and the acoustics in those places are pretty good…
 

Lad/Lass Points: 20 if it’s empty, and a good 75 if it’s full, anything to keep you awake in that dreaded 9 am start…

 

 

4) The Library. Depending on your work ethic, your favourite/most-hated part of UEA, the smell of all those books plus the many hidden nooks could make for a truly saucy experience. Of course, the librarians may not look on it too kindly, neither may that half dead looking student who has an exam the next morning. But hey, anything to get your kicks. What section does erotica come under again…?
 

Romance Factor: 3/5 A bit of a dull setting, truth be told, but you could always get creative with the array of tables and chairs. Clutching at straws, us? 
 

Grossability: 2/5 Although if you choose to do it in the computer room on deadline day (when washing has taken a backseat for the last week) then things could get a bit rancid. And especially if you choose to do a live webcast for added raunch. Almost as bad as those people who hog a computer just to go on Facebook…
 

Caughtability: 3/5 Now that the Library is open 24/7, it is much easier to find a quiet spot- and there's always those lockable carrels. But the new ‘Noiseline’ means you’ll have to keep it schtum or you may be accosted by a librarian who sees more than they were bargaining for…
 

Lad/Lass Points: 15 and add 10 if you’re having sex as a method of procrastination.

 

 

5) The Launderette- Perhaps you’ve caught the eye of someone special over the suds, or maybe you want to add some of those notorious vibrations to your experience. Either way, a trip to the launderette with the intention of adding some dirt to your clean washing is a very risky experience. Famous for being the realm of the insomniacs, it would take someone brave to risk an encounter here…
Romance Factor: 1/5 The Launderette on the street in particular offers any onlookers a chance to watch the show and if this isn’t your thing and you want some privacy, the Drop would suggest you steer clear…
 

Grossability: 3/5 The Launderette is nearly always flooded, so you’re likely to come out soaked. Also, the chance of scarring some poor student for life with your antics is pretty high.
 

Caughtability: 5/5 The Drop is yet to hear of anyone who has managed to execute this one. You’re pretty much asking to be caught, and whilst this may add to the appeal for the more exhibitionist of the UEA community, for most it would be a definite turn-off.
 

Lad/Lass Points: A thoroughly decent 40. Add 100 if you manage to do it whilst IN the washing machine…

 

 

 

Got any L-related anecdotes? Could you give a more informed rating based on your experience? Then please either comment below or email us if you want it published (and we can make you anonymous if you want).