Being in the Closet at Uni: My Experience

A student’s experience of realising his true sexuality while at uni.

closet gay gay homosexuality

ANONYMOUS

 

Over time I’ve had to deal with a variety of painful issues, but the most prevalent has been my sexuality. It has taken me all of my life to come to terms with the fact that I am attracted to the same gender; I am gay.

Admitting this to myself has been hard enough, so the concept of admitting it to others is a mind-blowingly ludicrous. However, here at UEA there is a huge support network for the LGBT community, and of course psychological support offered by the Dean of Students. So why haven’t I taken the plunge yet?

Moving out of my parents’ home last year and into halls was an exciting time. Freshers week was great, and I really got to know and love my flatmates. However, I soon began to realise that so much of University is focused around sex. When the topic is brought up, I always try to leave the room. It is awkward; these people do not know my true feelings.

 

I find it difficult to lie to them, but I am scared of their reactions if I tell them the truth.

I enjoy playing sports and keeping fit. This male-dominated aspect of my life has nothing to do with my sexuality, and I never use the opportunity to check out the guys. But what if they knew I am gay? Would I still be accepted as a team-mate, or abolished as an outsider?

 

This is the 21st Century, where everybody is supposed to feel comfortable with all walks of life; yet in reality, things don’t work like that. I find the social aspects of sport uncomfortable, and I tend to shy away from these situations. Without anybody even knowing my sexuality, I feel an outcast.

This makes me feel terribly low, and has led to many depressive and suicidal thoughts. But to me, the thought of coming out is even more scary – I have told myself I would rather die than be honest about my sexuality.

There is such a stigma about the LGBT community, of which I feel I am not a part. I do not identify with many of these people, however I am distinctly aware that I am different from the majority of people around me. This year, my flatmates (people I have chosen to live with) all talked about FAF (Fuck A Fresher). They relish the opportunity to go out and pull the opposite sex. As stupid as it may sound, I long to join them on their ‘ladish’ behaviour. I wish to be more comfortable with these people that I chose to spend the majority of my time with. This is because I am conscious that the less time I spend partaking in these activities, the weaker our friendship bonds are becoming.

So why don’t I just go out there and pull a girl? Believe me, I wish I could, however life isn’t as simple as that. In the past, I have got with girls, however I don’t think this would happen again. Having fought with myself for so long about my sexuality, leading to me creating a noose with the intention of suicide, I have come to terms with the fact that I am gay.

 

However, I am still not happy with my sexuality, and I wouldn’t wish my predicament on anybody. I’m sure people will argue that being gay is great, but that is simply not the way I see it. Why would I want to be different? Even though I have aforementioned that I have come to terms with my sexuality, I would still swap almost anything in the world in order to heterosexual.

 

I feel alien, trapped, insecure and lonely – I hate it.

I feel the need to say now that I have not written this article for sympathy. In all honesty, I am not totally sure why I have written this article. I hope that it makes people think twice about certain social situations, and using certain words that could be considered homophobic.

I think this article has helped me to better understand my own predicament. That is a selfish statement, but sometimes I need to be more selfish and think about my own health, instead of worrying how others look at me.