The 5 people who need to sign off Facebook forever.

Everybody has them, the facebookers who irritate you so much you just want to grab your computer, go to their house and throw it at their face, just so they know how much their presence offends you. Here’s just a selection of some who need to get off my Facebook feed.

1. The one who’s constantly getting ‘fraped’.

This person must have their password tattooed on their forehead, because for some reason every day their status becomes “I am gay” or “I masturbate with a cucumber” or some wildly unfunny variation of that. The first ones were perhaps amusing but now, when the entire Facebook feed is filled with “I like big willies up my bum”, it’s enough to make you burn with rage.

And then comes the inevitable “Sorry guys! Got fraped, LOL.” NO WAY, really? Jesus! I thought you genuinely had every single STD and you really did fuck your cousin last summer. Do us all a favour, and when you have friends round, log out so the rest of us don’t have to put up with all that crap. It’s not funny, it’s immature and both fraper and frapee should grow the hell up.

2. The one who’s always on chat.

No matter what the time is, they will be there. From 8am in the morning to…well 8am the next morning, they lurk just waiting for you to sign in and ask you questions that you don’t want to answer, often in abbreviated form e.g. “wubu2”.

They might be a nice person but every time that little blue box pops out, all you want to do is tell them to fuck off. Maybe if they spent more time away from the computer and socialising in real life they wouldn’t have to get ignored on Facebook constantly.

3. The one who uploads photos of everything.

Their cat. Their dog. Their food. Their room. The sunset. The sunrise. Themselves. Their friends. Their cat sleeping. Their holiday. Their car. Their nails. Their shoes. The 500 photos from last night. Their Christmas pics. Their boyfriend. Their girlfriend. Their new haircut. The snow. Their ‘funny’ autocorrect gone wrong moments. The gig they went to.

Oh, and they will probably use instagram.

4. The one with the emotionally unstable statuses.

If it’s not lyrics from a soft-pop-emo-rock song, it’s a thinly veiled insult directed at their parents/friends/enemies or perhaps boyfriend/girlfriend/person they met once. This happy character will often upload very ambiguous statuses, which are clearly meant for someone, but they have very cleverly avoided mentioning their name, i.e. “if you want me to hate you, you’re doing a great job of it :/”.

Here’s an idea attention whores; next time you get annoyed, how about telling the person? You might just find your problem goes away and you don’t have to upload a status no-one gives a shit about.

5. The one who likes/ comments on EVERYTHING you have ever done.

Somewhat creepier and sinister than ‘the one whose always on chat’, this person not only likes every comment or status you post, but every now and then you’ll get a notification saying that Creepy McCreeperson has liked a photo from an album you made about a year and a half ago.

What the fuck are they doing back there? It would be alright if they were a good friend, but this is someone you have met maybe once or twice. For whatever reason they have for looking through all your photos, it can’t be innocent. Just watch out for them next time you are out, they probably won’t talk to you, but they’ll definitely be staring at you across the club with a perverted grin and touching themselves.