Who needs a gap year? I went on Coach Trip with my mum

Your parents might have gained the ultimate cool status by paying for you to do a year of nurturing, learning and finding yourself in Thailand before Freshers’ Week. 

But did Channel 4 cover it AND pay for the swanky coach you’d be travelling on?

Last year, I casually mentioned to my mum the smash hit Channel 4 show Coach Trip were accepting applications for their new series. Being the top son I am, I filled out one for her and my dad, thinking it would be a good story at parties and ensuring an empty house for at least three weeks.

Dad bailed, not fancying being stuck on a bus in the middle of Europe so the role of road companion was bestowed onto my mum.

We quickly got a phone interview (nailed it) then a group interview (they loved us) and then a one-on-one interview before we were Channel 4 bound.

At work one day, the producers rang and asked if we’d like to take part — and that was it, we were on a plane travelling somewhere we’d never heard of first thing the next day.

Third year James Kreczak with presenter Brendan Sheerin

The first stop was late night Northern Italy. We were under strict instructions to act casual, like any normal mum-and-son duo on holiday so the other coach-trippers wouldn’t guess we were the newbies.

We checked in and were treated to free Italian room service. No dingy gap year drug dens for us.

Meals on wheels

That night’s sleep was surreal. Tomorrow we were going to be on actual TV. We’d be sat in the same seats as The Chuckle Brothers and some blokes from EastEnders.

So next morning we were woken up shockingly early and pulled outside to start filming all kinds of shots for our introduction, before finally getting to meet the man himself, the presenter of Coach Trip: Brendan Sheerin. I must admit, I did fan-girl a little.

And the next week was the best time ever: we got to do so many different things we’d never done before. I sang opera, farmed, went on a gondola and made sorbet at a sorbet university. Far from your standard rainy hol with mother in tow.

Each day was a new surprise. We stopped off at Venice, Ferarra, Bologna and Florence. All for free.

It wasn’t all fun, sun and Brendan though. I’ll forever be haunted by being forced to touch a middle-aged woman’s boob. And a cute little piggy took a massive shit on me.

Oinky little shit

And the voting off was sometimes so bitchy.

But it was all worth it. From the moment we left the house until the moment we got back in we didn’t spend a penny. Coffee, food, wine, beer. It all goes on a Channel 4 tab. Which is all well and good, but no amount of free Nescafé will ever make your mum waking you up at 6am with a cracking hangover to start filming OK.

It’s on them

And to the little tour guide who stole my heart, Brendan. He’s even better than I dreamed he’d be. Top guy, with or without a camera in his little round face.

That man knows his stuff. I could point to just about anything and he could give me a good five minute speech on when it was made, who by and what it’s for. Crazy.

The fountain of all knowledge

And at the end of the day it all came down to the vote.

Each day every couple votes. The two with the most votes receives a yellow card. Get another and it becomes a red, then you’re waving goodbye to the river boats of Venice and hello to the tramps who’ve fallen asleep near the Tyne.

We only took our first yellow card on the final night (what can I say? Channel 4 loved us), which already meant we were guaranteed a place in the final.

Happily ever after

And did we win? You’ll have to catch up on 4OD to find out.