Heaton is the best place to live in Newcastle

It isn’t that much of a shithole.

A charming writer at The Tab Newcastle once dubbed Heaton a “hell-hole”.

As an impressionable first year all I ever heard about was Jesmond. It was the place to be – I mean it has a Starbucks, a Joules and all those amazing bars on Osbourne Road.

I never thought I would ever end up living in deepest darkest Heaton. But after two years of what some would consider “slumming it” I’ve finally appreciated it’s the place to be.

So if you’re looking for somewhere to live next year and you’ve managed to figure out which of your friends will be the least annoying to live with, here are Heaton’s best qualities.

Cheap Rent

Apparently paying less in rent isn’t worth the shame of living in Heaton, but I would beg to differ. Checking your bank balance at the start of the month can be a little less dire when you live in this part of the Toon.

You won’t get ripped off. You pay for what you get and there are plenty of hidden gems.

Plus if you’re a spoilt brat like me and your mum pays your rent, she’ll be happier and might even increase your allowance.

Quirky Amenities 

You won’t find a Friend’s replica cafe in Fenham, and Sandyford doesn’t have it’s own Trebles Bar.

An absolute MUST if you land in Heaton

When it comes to weird local venues, Heaton has all the other areas beat. With an assortment of quirky cafés as well as the infamous Hemp shop, you won’t get bored or hungry (especially if you buy the legal highs at the Hemp Nation).

World renowned

Not to forget the Butterfly Cabinet which is so popular it has queues outside the door throughout the week (beat that, Fat Hippo).

Heaton also boasts a Chinese Takeaway frequented by Cheryl and Simon Cowell during the last X-Factor Tour. If it’s good enough for them, it’s good enough for you.

Because you’re worth it

Free Parking

It’s always pissed me off that the Council charge people to pay to park outside the properties they rent in Jesmond and Sandyford.

Yeah it’s only 20 quid or so a year but it’s the principle. If you have guests come to stay they’ll require a visitors permit.

Not a permit in sight

Not in Heaton. It’s free parking galore from Warwick Street to the far reaches of Chillingham Road.

That’s if you’re lucky enough to have a car, but still it’s handy for when mum comes up to check you’ve not drunk yourself to death on trebles.

Not so shabby

Crime Rate

Despite some of the more unsavoury characters you’ll see wandering through the streets (they’re probably from Byker) the crime rate in Heaton is lower than Jesmond and on par with Sandyford.

It’s so tranquil

Getting insurance is cheaper and you’re chances of having to call 999 are significantly reduced. Though you may want to call 101 to shop your neighbour who’s screaming in the street at 5am.

The hipsters love it

Transport

It’s a really boring side to think about when you’re moving, but knowing how you can get about without the aid of your legs is crucial, or if you’re too skint to get a taxi.

When you’re too hungover to even dream of walking on your bloody stumps, you’ve got the metro close at hand and the buses run constantly (though the One operates a mad system of three buses at a time).

You won’t be labelled a twat

As nice as Jesmond can be to live in, there is a tendancy to be labelled a Rah. More often than not you’re going to have to overhear someone in Tesco in a gilet moan that there aren’t any Duchy Originals.

What a character

If you live in Heaton you won’t be called a poshwanker, a snob or another disparaging term. You’ll be down to earth, normal (maybe a little more common). And it will do you the world of good.