My parents think I’m teetotal

For six months I have been leading a double life.

During the day being a good pastor’s daughter, who’s only encounters of alcohol are non-alcoholic communion wine.

But as soon as night hits the bottles come out of the cupboard – quite literally .

‘No Father, those cocktails don’t tempt me at all’

My first proper experience of alcohol was when I was eighteen at our leaver’s ball. Being me of all people I thought that I could down whatever I was given.

I ended up spending most of my night whispering to people “don’t tell my Dad” and “Jesus turned water into wine, I’ll be fine”. Arguably Jesus didn’t tell all his disciples and fellow classmates how much he loved them and how life wasn’t going to be the same without them all.

Trying to pretend alcohol has never graced my lips in itself isn’t actually half as hard as you may think.

Mine is the lemonade on the left…

Excuses used

• My friend’s house is closer and it’d be too far out of the way to drive to

• We are going to do some revision and I don’t know how long it could go on for

• It’s a sleepover

• You look so tired, I’ll find somewhere to stay don’t worry

• Food makes me skint

• I need my ID because I need it to fill in this form at Sixth form

In fact, my problem is when I’m going to tell them that I do. But until then I’ve got some simple rules.

Drunk Dialing

I’ve mastered the art of making sure I never call my parents when I’m out, though the constant fear of accidentally drunk dialing them is definitely very real.

My parents are lucky to have been spared the usual long love speeches I seem to send tell all my contacts when I’ve knocked a few back.

Facebook

Although I do feel slightly guilty that after two years I still haven’t accepted my mum on Facebook there’s no way she could have access to my photos. But it does mean she’s not sending me a Candy Crush request every other day.

But just in case, I’ve mastered hiding alcohol in pictures.

Bet you can’t see the Kopperberg I’m holding…

Drinking Games

Watching what you drink when out is hard enough, never mind when your drunken friend hands you every concoction possible while chanting “ We like to drink with Chanel”.

But I’ve found drinking games give me time to throw water down my neck to sober up. But I do feel sorry for my friends who, as I’m about to leave to go home, have to sniff my breath till its “acceptable” having learnt chewing gum alone doesn’t do the job.

Then it’s crunch time. Going home is almost like going through airport security – my Mum can smell alcohol like a sniffer dog.

‘They told me it was a virgin cocktail…’

“Sleepovers”

It’s not fun having to stay at friends’ houses whenever you go out – especially when your friend’s not even sleeping there. I’ve slept over at people’s houses and locked up after myself.

The bus rides back home are the worst bit with every step causing clinking and clattering trying to hold ten bags full of clothes and shoes getting a few glances and dirty looks from the old ladies sat at the front.

It really does make you wish you could have just got a taxi home like any normal person.

The night out was totally worth it.

Money

When your Mum utters the sentence “well at least you’re saving money by not drinking” it makes me somewhat sad because whenever I check my bank balance I realise there’s a lot of truth in that statement.

This is really why students are poor.

But not nearly as much fun.

‘Down it, freshaaaaa’